Taking Care

Played during times when I feel a little motivated.

Played when I’m trying to shake off the sadness brought about by the breakup.

Definition
1: to be careful or watchful : to exercise caution or prudence
2: to give particular attention to doing or not doing something
Merriam Websters

Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you’re not really happy but you don’t wanna die
Like a numb little bug that’s gotta survive
That’s gotta survive
Numb Little Bug, Em Beihold

I do not do drugs because I have had bad experiences with people who do – the brink of death situations that I do not really want to remember or being on the receiving end of an assault. I really do think one of the causes of the breakup is because my ex does and I am the only one stopping him.

I think it is justified that I am afraid of people who do because just thinking about being in the vicinity of someone doing it makes my knees weak and well, my anxiety starts to rise up until I am completely submerged in a vat of dread.

So what and how do I do to cope?

Before we delve any deeper, let me tell you something about myself.

I have an obsession with being a good person – for myself and for others. At an early age, I have this deep-seated need to live outside or beyond myself. I had a realisation that life does not end with myself and that living for myself feels so small-minded. You can blame my overactive imagination, the ‘I Wonder Why’ book series, the Children’s Bible, and my parents for that.

Although, I do think that if you take away those mediums,, I would still have that need because I look up to my dad and my dad is a generous person and being generous requires love and living outside yourself.

So what’s the point of this tidbit?

Over the course of the years, I found out that I have a few bad habits that tend to get the better of me when I am put in a high-stress situation. All of my self-control goes out of the window as a spiral down uncontrollably.

First, my sleep gets affected then because insomnia hits hard. Second, because I’m so tired and my body is running on pure adrenaline, I tend to either skip meals or binge. I hyperfocus and then I binge. In a nutshell, I don’t eat well at all. Third, no exercise at all because I’m trying to focus on what I can control which is to work. Fourth, if it gets really bad, I fail at keeping my environment clean and sometimes, I fail at hygiene.

While all pillars of being a physically and mentally healthy human being crumble, I crank up the productivity metre. Yeah, I know. Sometimes, to the point of burnout. I have more or less mastered Self-inflicted burnouts and breakdowns because I know how to get out of them. It is somewhat exerting control on what you can control. Other-inflicted burnouts and breakdowns (like a death of a loved one, losing a job, or breakups) can take longer to rein in because it takes longer to process that to some degree you have some kind of control over the situation (you).

I do need to emphasise that this is all relative and I have more or less successfully finessed my method of staying on the level just before a burnout. The stage we all know and love which I call the ‘Why am I doing this to myself?’ stage. To illustrate, here is a list of my typical work day and a weekend.

Monday

7:30 AM – wake up, journal, feed the rabbits and change the litter box. Prepare for work.
9:00 AM – leave for work
9:30 AM to 5:30 PM or sometimes 6:30 PM – work nonstop and eat at your desk, no lunch breaks.
6:30 to 7:00 – commute to training
7:15 to 8:15 – train
8:30 to 9:30 – commute
9:30 PM – freshen up, feed the rabbits, sweep
9:30 to 10:30 PM – dinner if I can cook
10:30 to 11:00 PM – study if I’m not tired or
11:00 PM onwards, try to get some sleep
1:00 to 2:00 AM fall asleep

Saturday

7:30 AM to 10:30 AM – chores
11:00 AM – commute to PT for my back
12:00PM to 1:00 PM – PT
1:00 PM to 6:00 PM – get some lunch, read D&D for 3 to 4 hours
7:00 PM to 11:00PM – dinner, hang out with the family or youth group, feed the rabbits, freshen up, badminton (I’m pretty decent ’cause it’s my HS sport alongside softball) in no particular order.
11:00 PM onwards, try to get some sleep
1:00 to 2:00 AM fall asleep

I am not listing it out to lord over someone. I am listing it out because sometimes, I wonder why I am doing this to myself and I remember that I cannot really afford to be sad all the time. Primarily, it causes me to binge and two, it is expensive to be sad. Three, I believe that like an artist I can use this sad energy to maybe accidentally create my magnum opus and die without any regrets. Lastly, I’m afraid that if I get too sad, I will lose all my brain wrinkles and become a dumbass which is no different than who I really am deep inside. Ever since I have been depressed, my memory is just not the same way as it was before and I am worried about getting dementia if this continues.

Here’s the thing, I am already at the intersection of my bad habits and my productivity metre cranked up so what I need to do is to get better at taking care of myself. Not just physically but also mentally because I am at the point where when I think about my ex and my ex-friend and they trip or whatever, I will simply not care, think, ‘okay, get well I guess’ and move past them without offering a hand.

It’s a horrible thought, to be honest, and it just drives the point that I am not a saint and I can only do my best to be a good person. I do not know about you but it is a struggle to be a good person when it is not on your own terms. Do you get what I mean? As a fellow human being, I should love and forgive others but hot damn, I just want to give them a slap each, forget about them and then move on with my life and paint fresh paint over those two years of my life. Two years of wasted time and regrets.

Anyway, I’m trying to get out of this physical rut to take care of myself and to take care not to let bad thoughts fester because it affects all parts of my well-being and it keeps my brain captive. While I know that I should just take the plunge and take whatever step, I also hesitate because there is a need to know the order of things and I do not. Do I work on my thoughts first and my physical health second or vice versa? Should I do it simultaneously? How do I keep my focus on two things at once? Do I cut down on things I do?

If you have any suggestions, let me know because I do not know where to start.

Sincerely,

Allison

A Ghost

What are the chances of seeing someone again, your ex, after you have parted ways? I don’t know and I don’t want to know but it almost gave me a fright when a man of similar height and build, with wavy almost-curly sandy blond hair peeking out through a black Adidas cap clothed with a non-descript baggy white shirt and black denim shorts that fall just above the knee, passed me by on an escalator going up to Wanchai Computer while I was on my way down.

It was one of the most bizarre encounters yet because I have been seeing people who have a likeness to him but not to that point of resemblance. All I could think about was “Why are here? I’m already going to therapy for PTSD and PTSD-induced anxiety because you left so please don’t come back just to haunt me. Go away, thanks.”

It sounds funny but it’s a horrifying experience – to live in fear of constantly being vigilant so that at the sight of him, I can run away. Laugh all you want at my flight response but I don’t ever want to undergo and relive the experience of the betrayal of him choosing friends and his vices over me. Six, Seven months of just pure hopelessness and endless rumination, what-ifs, what did I do wrong? Am I not good enough? Did I not give enough? Did I not love enough? If it’s because of my financial situation, I’m in a better place now. I told you I’d get out of it, I just needed a little time.

So why?

Like I said before, I’ll probably never know the answer that’s why it’s best to not think about especially since it’s a major trigger and the mere thought of it sends me crying for a solid half-hour and sad for several days.

So please, don’t haunt me. Don’t come back and don’t think of me either. Maybe many, many years into the future but not now;.

Sincerely,

Dos Oruguitas 🦋

One of my favourite songs from the last decade

Over the course of last week, the news of Russia and Ukraine has flooded every television, mobile, billboard and whatever screens there are to fill. Hong Kong’s looming nationwide lockdown plus the panic buying it has induced among the hoi polloi and the fact that BBM and his Sara Duterte are leading the popularity polls back in the Philippines made me restless. Don’t get me started about the concentration camp-like quarantine facilities being built in Kai Tak and in Tsing Yi or that some of my friends are leaving Hong Kong in search of lesser strict countries to live in until the situation goes back to normal in Hong Kong.

I don’t know if it’s because of the venti latte that I’ve been getting from Starbucks due to poor sleep or the fact that the world is coming to an end or a mixture of both with a sprinkle of other factors; the thing is we, no matter who you are, where you are, are called to being, called to action for such a time as this. I don’t know what else to say other than, I pray that you’re in a better situation than I am or I pray that you would abled body or your resources to help or that I really hope that we’ll be alright in spite of what’s happening and I hope that we can make it through ’til the very end.

With what’s imminent coming our way, there’s one other thing that reintroduced itself to me rather quite forcefully. I’m already hyperaware that I’m going to die someday but now, I have also become hyperaware of the important adverb that replaces someday, anytime soon. Pause for a second and think about it, you can die anytime soon.

The fact that I can die in my sleep or that I can die tomorrow puts a lot of things in perspective. Two of which are the following:

There is no time to lose, I should give my best every single despite what I’m feeling.
I can’t keep on crying over my ex. I miss him, sure, but I can’t be paralysed by it.Most of all, considering that I can die anytime soon, I can’t let my self-esteem or my confidence be crushed by someone who’s just as mortal as I am.

For the next six months, I would like to spend as much time with friends and family, excel at work, achieve personal goals that I’ve been putting off and just be the silly yet logical romantic that I have always been hence why I’ve been listening to Dos Oruguitas and Te Amo Y Mas. If it’s not obvious, I have a thing for classical guitar and strings.

Without further ado, here is my course of action for the next 6 months. As boring as it looks, I’ve already gamified it in my life that it’s fun for me.

Course of Action in the coming 6 months

1. Mental: Complete my Prince 2 & PMP Certifications

March – Prince 2 Foundation & Prince 2 Practitioner
April: Prince 2 Practitioner & Prince 2 Agile
May: PMP
June
July
August

I’ll be making a goals page to keep track of my goals for the year. Goals are great, don’t you think? Systems, more so 🙂

2. Health: Sayonara, Coffee. See you at the end of the month! Plus journalling and a better night routine/sleep hygiene and a better mattress for sleeping. Your girl’s sleep-deprived.

Note: Caffeine worsens my focus, mood, my anxiety and my sleep so I’ll be sticking to tea with having coffee as a once a month treat.

3. Career: Get promoted? Give your 200%. Show up every single day even when you don’t feel like it.

I don’t really know what to do with my career yet.

4. Physical: Get my running up to speed (ayyyyy!) Oh and hikes! The more brushes with death, the better. Jokes.

Global warming is real and if this keeps up, there will be no more Nature to see. Hong Kong is shutting down too so I would like to enjoy what greenery is left before the heat consumes us all. If not the heat, I would like to see the world (or where I’m living) in its natural state before man destroys it all.

5. Friends and Family: Shower my friends, my family, my sponsored families and my rabbit family with more love. Offer manpower and my services when and where I can.

Need I say more?

Regarding my financial and my spiritual goals, I’ll be keeping them private because they’re too personal and too intimate to disclose. Although, if there’s one thing to be said is that I’m working hard and saving up for my future family especially, for my future kids. I want to make sure that I do my part so that my future husband and I can give them a shot at life. That is if I were to make it out alive and/or I get married in the future.

‘Memento Mori’ has always stuck with me ever since I read it from the Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snickett. Viewing it through the lens of time sloughs away what’s unimportant and gives berth to what is. I thought that I would live my life on this earth without experiencing this type of tremendous hardship that I read and learned about from history books. Boy, I was naive.

I only have one chance. I only have one shot and that’s why I want to have that athlete-like single-minded focus on the things that truly matter to me even if, some of them are not yet fulfilled. That’s why, let me ask you, have you thought about if you were to die in the next minute, will you die with no what-ifs or regrets? Just give it a thought.

I love you and stay safe.

Mental Breakdowns, Breaks and Therapy

“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.”
— Charles Bukowski

When my 26th birthday came rolling around and I knew that the birthday greeting that I was waiting for was not coming, the cracks in my emotional and mental health became more pronounced.

It started with a crumbling morning and evening routine – missed showers, unhealthy meals, migraines and sleepless nights. Afterwards, it snowballed to not leaving the house, not even leaving my room and just zoning out when with others (mostly because I’m trying to concentrate on not passing out from my headaches). For almost two weeks, I’ve been experiencing physically manifested emotional pain and at one point, I had to call my good friend from the PH to help me reason out my way of offing myself/self-harm as self-harm gives the illusion of control – only I can choose to hurt myself right?

Deep down inside, I know what’s causing my wild mood swings and what caused my mental breakdown- the holidays, my birthday and now, Valentine’s. There’s also this insistent thought that the perp of my misery is having the best time of his life while I’m left to put myself back together and it makes me so angry. However, I feel so guilty afterwards for feeling that way. I should be happy for him because he’s living the life that he wanted EVEN IF I’m deeply wounded and still hurting from what was said, how it was said and just the breakup in general. No doubt that the breakup took a toll on me and it’s still taking a toll on me. If I’m not careful, I can get stuck in fight or flight mode and it’s usually the latter.

You know it’s a problem when it’s a recurring issue and when you start clamming up and pushing people away – viewing them as either a potential threat to your already fragile state or someone who’s not going to be helpful in your and would only take more from you. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I’m not as mature as I thought I am. and as I would like to be.

This can’t go on forever even if it already feels like it. At the behest of some of my good friends, I’m going to see a therapist or, a psychologist; whichever one comes first. I should have gone after the first three times of having small mental breakdowns from August last year but I was stubborn with just pushing through regardless of how I felt. Whatever I think I am suffering from, grief, PTSD, all of the above or otherwise, I understand now that I would need professional help in getting through possibly the hardest event of my life so far. I can spin the death of a loved one in a positive light but the loss of your most cherished person, the person who you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with, is utterly devastating and just soul-crushing.

I can spin the death of a loved one in a positive light but the loss of your most cherished person, the person who you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with, is utterly devastating and just soul-crushing.

On those days when the sting of the breakup makes itself known, I find myself at a loss for words and a paralysing wave of grief washes over me that I would need more than a minute to collect myself, feel the emotions and get back to it. I have to remind myself that emotions are fleeting, it’s better to acknowledge and feel it, lest you want to become someone like me – having mental breakdowns from all the pent up anger, grief and frustrations.

Even though I have so many goals I want to accomplish this year, I’ve decided to take it slow and focus on getting better mentally. More than anything, I don’t want to accomplish goals half-heartedly and being mentally prepared and well is already half the battle.

To everyone who’s going through the same thing (that may be caused by different factors), I feel you and I feel your pain. If you can, go see a therapist. Get help and know that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.

We’re going to be okay.

With so much love,