I am not in the greatest of moods. That’s why R&R May is here!
Being single had never made me lonely before. Now the feeling was crippling and there were couples everywhere it seemed. Everyone had someone. I wanted someone more than I’d ever done before at precisely the same moment that I realised that only one person would do. Never was I more bitterly aware that I didn’t have three wishes.
– David Mitchell
Here we are, five months into 2022 and I am still crawling out of the pit of my break-up. Its insidious effects are still in play ten months after the event and my emotional and mental state are still crippled. For the record, I am doing everything I can to heal but it is there and it never misses a chance to make itself known to me. It is that empty and longing feeling during those happy moments when I would turn my head to share or a passing thought where I would think he would make fun of and laugh at this story if I tell him.
It is highly unlikely that he would follow my life now that we are not speaking hence why I freely talk about my recovery process here. By sharing, I hope that someone else who stumbles upon this gets some kind of comfort that the process is not linear, it is alright to be messy and you are not alone. You can make fun of me and my audacity to write about my experience if it makes you feel better. You can also think to yourself, ‘There are bigger problems to solve,” if that helps you put things in perspective. Just know that you have permission to do that here.
Anyway, I often thought about why God has not helped me yet or maybe He has. Sometimes I wonder if this is my thorn and I shall have to live with it forever. It sounds dramatic but it happens. Paul the Apostle, one of the most dedicated men to have ever lived, had a thorn in his flesh. Moving out of this context, anyone really who is asking to be healed of something – trauma, disordered eating, mental illness, anything – can consider that thing to be their thorn. This could be mine, who knows?
This thorn has affected not just my personal life but also my work life
I realised that I was happy with my job before even if I was not earning a lot of money because I had someone to share it with. Sure, that job had so many flaws and it had driven me to tears but it was because he was there to console me that it made the last years bearable. Now, something mundane as filling my timesheets brings me to my knees and ruins my day. Maybe David Mitchell was right, the genie is sneering at me and, try as I may to console myself with what I have wished for and prayed about for so long, money, a good career – the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with is now gone. We are not meant to be and that is that.
With that wound I’m furiously bandaging up, I shifted my focus on drowning myself in activities to avoid the sadness and depression that I am feeling. Feelings are important and I know that but I also know how fleeting and how fickle it is and that is why I believe that this should not affect my ability to perform my duties and obligations. Unfortunately, it has and it has become a quicksand – the more I struggle, the more I sink and the poorer I perform.
As pushing against the force is futile and I’m mentally and physically exhausted, I am going to do the opposite instead and just lean into it instead and rest for a while. Take it slow instead of doing more, more and more. I pray and sincerely hope that this will help in mending a broken heart.
Sincerely yours,
Allison Lagarde 