“How are you still single?!”

It wasn’t love, it was a trick of the moon.

One of the most common laments among single friends is how the dating pool is shite. The guys are not enough, and the girls are not authentic enough. It has become a hodgepodge of unattainable looks and impossible standards. I am not a player of the dating game but a mere observer so, from my point of view, it has just been pure and unadulterated chaos.

However, one thing somebody asked made me think, “Why are you still single?”

The Big Q: “Why are you still single?”

In the words of a good friend of mine, “it’s not for the lack of trying” or maybe it is. I have come to that point where I am perfectly happy working on things that I want to accomplish, my family and friends and life, in general. I want to build on that foundation first before getting together with someone. I believe that love will find me in the midst of working on myself and chasing dreams and goals.

However, if there was one thing I learned from my breakup, it is that it takes me a long time to process and move on. I also do a lot of stupid things within that healing period so unless, I want my future self to suffer, I’m not going to be dipping a toe in the pool in the foreseeable future. I will not close myself to the opportunity if it pops up but I will not be looking for it.

Lastly, in a transient city like Hong Kong, people come and go. One day they are here and tomorrow they are gone. If you get into a relationship with one of them, as soon as they return to where they come from, you best believe that the “out of sight, out of mind” mindset becomes commonplace. Promises that were made here fizzle out and it is as if the love was not there to begin with.

Some relationships survive, of course, but I do not want to risk it here in Hong Kong. I can say that from experience.

In summary, I don’t want to because I don’t do well after a breakup and that, it can take years before I could get back on my feet and time is money.

Where priorities and values lie

I understand that my values will not be for everybody and so theirs to mine. The issue I have is that some of these values are strongly rooted in or influenced by traumatic experiences. If I were to guesstimate, I would probably be disinterested in about 80% to 90% of the 28-35 year old male demographic. I have come to agree with the saying, “better single than in a poor relationship”. I am also quite traditional and I would like to be with a manly man who can be a romantic from time to time ( think: Riftan from Under the Oak Tree).

My priorities, at the moment, are to work on myself and my circle of influence. Work on my career, hobbies and travelling. Spending time with my family (travelling with my mother soon!) and my rabbits or catching up with my siblings. You know, it is a liberating feeling to finally shake off the last patches of sad emotions that I carried throughout the year.

I can finally and confidently say that I love and respect myself and how far I have come. Now, I just want to be like Vesper Lynd or Eva Green – intelligent and elegant. I want to work on my communication skills. I want to be great!

Sincerely yours,

Allison

Coming of Age

Revisiting my earlier posts, I admit that I was still holding on to some kind of hope that my ex would come back to me. I was fantasizing about how he will fly back to Hong Kong and then, we will meet again at one of the most memorable spots we have gone to throughout our relationship. It would be by some kind of twist of fate or a one-of-a-kind miracle that God grants to those He loves. After all, I believe that miracles still do happen. I think this miracle is just not for me.

As days turned to months and months turned to a year, my hope dwindled. I prayed and prayed but nothing happened. My prayers evolved into reminding myself that he will never come back and that he has forgotten about me – an anaesthetic to that longing that does not go away. In the midst of my proactive waiting, someone told me that when someone leaves you, it’s usually because they think they can do better and that they will be happier with someone else than with you. Is it the truth? I don’t know but I wouldn’t deny its plausibility.

It was like someone splashed cold water on me when I heard those words. It made sense and these words were what I needed to hear to decide where I stand in all of this. Thus, I am able to fully let go and release any hope regarding that what-if. Hopefully, I can give all of my sincerity to the things I do daily and to my goals as there’s no lying that it took the wind out of my sails.

By ending this ‘should I or should I not’ game that I have played with myself for over a year, I hope to fully be alive instead of living half-assedly. Someone told me recently that I was their sunshine and it makes me think of those days when my happiness was unbounded in spite of the problems that I faced. I want to get to that point again. I want to become that person again – a person who’s mature yet beholds everything with a child-like wonder. I think it would be nice to regain a piece of my old self back.

This was an indubitable coming-of-age experience and I feel like I have become every aspect of the word, ‘Adult’. This was a major character development on my part and seeing it for what it is is a strange experience. To recall what my ex said, maybe I’m better for it.

Sincerely yours,

Allison.

Hello, November! 🦃

I am officially out of the slump!

Healing, depending on the person, takes a really long time and much like losing and keeping the weight off, it is not linear.

It took about more than a year but I have started enjoying life the way I did before my first relationship, maybe even a bit more. It is truly just now that I get to see the nuggets of wisdom that I earned over the last three months which I can slowly but surely, apply to my life.

Lastly, without these changes, I would have not been able to appreciate just how far I have come since August 2021.

Reflections on Some Areas of my Life

1. Self and Self-Improvement

My flatmate is moving out by the end of November or early December and for the first time since I moved out, I will have a relatively huge space to myself. I am absolutely excite and looking forward to it as this oddly timed event signals the end of a chapter and the start of a new one. I can definitely attest that it is almost like having an interlude or a filler chapter as this was a rather awkward and unsatisfying but maybe necessary year of my life.

I do not know the reason why the stars did not align and that I have to stay back for a few more months. Maybe I will never know why and this is some kind of plot device to move the story forward. All I know is that I will be using this time to recoup and regroup so that I can further figure out what my priorities are and whittle away the distractions.

After all, my 27th year is just around the corner and well, my Dad reminded me that I’m not getting any younger so, I need to get moving.

2. Career and Money

In one of my recent articles, I talked about how I had a brief stint moonlighting as a waitstaff in one of my favourite casual dining places in Hong Kong. It proved to be one of the most stressful things that I ever did recently as I was trying to give my 200% to both my full time job and my part time job. I almost burnt out doing that but it did provide insight and new lessons about health, career and money.

I think health is definitely one of the pillars of wealth. We all have to make sacrifices every now and then but, when I sacrificed my health, my performance at work started to suffer and my quality of life went down considerably. It took me a long time to get where I can be a little bit more comfortable without overextending myself.

Being debt-free is a blessing. Granted that I’m almost there, just finishing off the balance from my credit card but the idea of being debt-free and having enough savings sounds like heaven to me. I made a lot of bad decisions in my early 20s and it took me years to recover but this is the last leg of the race and I pray to God that I do not fall in the same line of thinking ever again. If there’s one thing I can advice in this article is that do not put yourself in the same situation that you asked God to help you get out off.

Learn how to be smarter. I got scammed recently and both my parents agreed that I give my all at the start of a relationship / friendship. I kind of knew that this might be the case but I usually justified it as why shouldn’t I right? When I reflect back on all of my friendships and my relationships, I was the one who got hurt the most in the end. My mother pointed this out as well and now I understand why ‘trust is earned, not given’. As an extension of this, so is any friendship or any relationship.

There is so much to say about this but those are the three major takeaways that I had over the last three months.

3. Romance and Love Life

I know, for a fact, that I’m not ready to date. I tried going on a date and he was nice but my heart was not in it. It is not the guy’s fault but I am very much in the camp of finding someone, being friends, falling in love, getting married and then it will be until death do us part.

As cheesy as it sounds, my ex-boyfriend found me and it took a lot of discernment from my side because I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person. He became a great friend and then became my best friend. I still think that meeting him and us, confessing our love for each was one of the most magical moments in my life. My ex was an amazing person and he has set the bar high. Whoever he ends up with is definitely one lucky person.

As for me and as controversial as it is in today’s dating culture, I will be proactively waiting for someone to come along for now who decides to choose me and I, him. It is a crucial time for me to sow seeds as much as I can so that I and my loved ones can have a better future.

I will say it again that August up until early October has been an awkward transition and were just months of constant change. Without it though, I would have not felt that I matured even just a little bit. I am starting to love my life and starting to feel alive again. It feels good as I get to appreciate more of the things that I used to enjoy and the people I would have missed creating connections with had I stayed being sad.

I’m happy to be back.

Have a lovely end of October and a beautiful start to November.

-A.

Burger Dates

It’s official. I’m going on a date after a year or so and I am excited and nervous and just a ball of emotion all at once.

The thing is I don’t really go on dates. I don’t seek it out and the last person I dated, I didn’t even know we were going on dates until we were in a relationship. This time around we both said we were going on a date and we are going to go get burgers for dinner and a walk afterwards.

I think I find myself giggling when I think that maybe I have a thing for burgers and guys who like burgers hence why it makes me smile.

Anyway, wish me luck!

Sincerely,

Embracing Happiness

Have you ever felt this cheesy happiness in spite of having no one?

It is definitely not an indicator that one will be meeting someone or dating someone new but, listening to love songs rouses that romantic in me. Even if the world has cast a somewhat cynical light on love and perhaps, one can even axiomatize scientific studies, I believe love exists. You can blame my Jesuit education but, I strongly believe love exists and it is wonderful, forgiving and without a doubt, difficult.

Love is a choice and it will always be a choice hence, why it is difficult. I choose to love my life even with its difficulties. I hated it for a short time because things did not go my way but, it happens. Before you know it, the thing that blew up in your face is over and you know what is nice? The fact that I am persevering and that I am still here to sing out loud to love songs, to give cuddles to my rabbits, to work on a goal, to dream that someday I will find someone who loves me as much as I love them, gives me a boost of endorphins.

It is a nice feeling. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in a long time.

I will still move to Europe. I will still get my master’s degree. I will still work on my plans and goals but right now, I will just belt out Michael Learns to Rock songs and prepare for tomorrow.

P.S. It goes without saying that I do hope when I do start dating again, I would be a lot wiser. A two-year break is a long time to know one’s self. Hopefully, I can refine my 2018 standards list even further as I believe it is of utmost importance to keep a list non-negotiables to avoid headaches and heartbreaks when wading through the dating pool.

It makes me excited because I have another thing to look forward to.

Sincerely,

Allison.

26 November 2019, An Excerpt

The song was on repeat when we were first getting to know each other.

Reflection on the current situation:

Have you ever wondered what love is like? What love is? I have.

For years, I have always wondered what love, romantic love, would be like. Even now, I still wonder what it is – what it feels like and how it is going to present itself when it comes knocking at my door. I think that at 23, it is a bit late to start your first relationship because you miss out on all the childish and innocent moments that youth get to relish and experience without the strains that accompany adulthood. Yet, at the same time, it is almost the perfect age to have your first because you are somewhat young enough to still have some of those experiences while viewing the relationship through realistic lenses. I believe that, at 23, one would be mature enough to know yourself and handle your own life whilst being in a relationship.

I would know this to be true due to having a few previous unrequited love. As I like to give it my all in every opportunity I chance upon and take, you throw your whole being into it in the hopes of being loved back. I thought that it was love from a different perspective and that was also love teaching me what it is not.

Now love has different plans.

Now, he has stormy grey eyes. Beautiful grey eyes that reminds me of quiet and soothing rainy days where everything seems to be washed anew. I told him before that I am from the islands and I love the sun but now when I look into his eyes, I am starting to love the rain, the thunder and the lightning just a tad bit more.

Now he has hair that aptly becomes like a halo in the sun. He hates his hair because he thinks it is sandy in colour but I love it. The way it gives him a soft glow and how it contrasts his grey eyes. It is really lovely, just like him.

Now he has a gentle voice that matches how kind he is. He has managed to evoke emotions in me just by hearing him say my name. I get elated like I have never been before and my heartstrings are tugged and thus, my heart cannot help but sing a tune in glee. Don’t get me started on his smile because when I think of him smiling, I try my hardest to stop myself from swooning.

This guy has his imperfections but who doesn’t? He is just perfect the way he is and I love him more and more each day. I am, without a doubt, grateful that I get to love him and I am so happy that I get to spend my life with such an amazing person.

Regardless, I still sometimes wonder why love came when it did but one thing I know is for sure, I have never been so content in my life up until now.

I was 23 and I was smitten like a moth to a flame.

If I had enough self-awareness to know that I would combust eventually then maybe, I would have been able to avoid the catastrophe that followed. I mean I think I did because at the beginning I told him that he would be either my greatest love or my greatest disappointment and hurt.

Unfortunately, we all know how it went down. I just think that this excerpt from November 2019 reminds me of Bruno Major’s Regent Park which I will leave here as a closing to this rather sentimental page from my journal.

I think that this song summed this relationship perfectly.

Sincerely yours,

Allison.

He Who Goes Before Me

Have you ever wondered why and what were you created for? Or, have you asked yourself why are you going through what you are going through?

The answer to the first question is usually vague and unanswerable as the answer unfolds itself either at the end of your life when you are on your deathbed, reflecting on your life or, before that very moment that will determine the course of the rest of your life. As for most cases, there is no definite answer that is known to the individual but someone else trustworthy and noble can attest to what you were made for. Like a hinge to a door, your life was a catalyst to something greater and you just did not know it.

The answer to the second can be multifaceted; it can be because of the right decisions made at the right time, poor choices, circumstances, happenstance, mistakes by others, almost anything really. The same way your life is a catalyst for others, their actions will also affect yours.

I would like to think that questions like these have crossed a person’s mind at least once in their life. I believe that questions like these when logically, factually and maybe, even morally, grounded serve as an excellent compass for one’s life. Alas, we are humans and we cannot be fully rational and logical beings all the time. I also believe that Aristotle will cry at the state of the world where humans act more like animals than they are rational animals. As much as Descartes rejected that notion, I think he would also cry too as we don’t think anymore at least, critically.

As you know, the last two to three years were rife with much confusion, disappointment and desperation. There were indeed happy moments but the sadness that followed outweighed and eroded whatever happiness experienced from those events. Bittersweet would be the perfect way to describe it. When these transpired, I fell into a deep depression where I barely had any care for anything at all. This challenging moment made me so weak as it hit me where it hurts the most and it pushed me to think, ‘What’s the point? Why should I care? Why should I try to be better when nothing ever works out anyway?’

In the depths of my self-pity, I read the Way of the Kings and I had a rather angry and frustrated conversation with my superiors. The former helped me pull me out of the darkness and the latter was a painful slap to pull me back into reality that I have obligations to fulfill and people and animals who depend on me. My responsibilities do not cease and the world does not stop from turning even when I am depressed. The months were I was half-assing living caused more trouble than it was worth. I am kicking myself because I let this happen but what matters now is how I gain back trust and get back on track.

Slowly bouncing back from the tragedies of the recent past, I have more than enough resolve to face the problems and the issues that arose when I was in that depressed headspace. As much as I would like to absolve and acquit myself, real life just does not work that way and I have to face the music one way or another. This also means that pruning my relationships, activities and habits that are no longer working. Decluttering, recycling and selling things that no longer hold any value or letting go of items that once brought me so much joy.

An act of discipline which I think of fondly as an act of self-care.

You know, sometimes, when I think about the whole thing, I am glad it happened. Maybe I am not meant to go to the UK or to Germany just yet. Maybe I still have a few things I need to do here in Asia like visit places. Sometimes when I think about why we broke up, maybe the reason why is so that I can focus on the things I needed to do. To close it off, I am pretty sure that there is something working behind the scenes in all of this quagmire but I have been given the space to work on myself, to work on personal projects without any distractions and to catch up and rectify the consequences of my poor choices without anyone waiting on me.

I may not understand but being given the space to work on things at my own pace is a blessing in of itself. God knows what is going to happen and He has gone before me and this takes off so much pressure to move and to force myself against an invisible wall.

For that, I am forever grateful.

Sincerely yours,

Allison.

For the Love of GMATs!

I have been sleeping in on Hong Kong.

As home to one of the best universities around the globe, at least before the Great Collapse of Hong Kong in 2019, I should not look any further to execute my plans of getting a Master’s and then just get another Master’s in two years time (which was a plan anyway) or a PhD in a few years time.

I realised this when I was having a long overdue phone call with one of my greatest friends of all time. I have always dreamt of studying abroad and resented the fact that I was not able to experience a junior term abroad at that time. Considering that Hong Kong is still technically abroad for me yet I have lived here for so long, applying for a Master’s degree here should not be as expensive as opposed to if I was applying as an International Student. Another bonus is that my worries – migrating to a different country, getting my masters, my rabbits, spending time with my parents, maintaining my Corona-free status – are abated until I finish my graduate studies and until God tells me it’s time for me to move.

It only occurred to me until now that maybe I was to stay behind in Hong Kong for a few more years to accomplish these dreams of mine here. I was not meant to go to the UK or Germany just yet. Looking back, I managed to accomplish an A1 course in German (and I passed, woot!), I have started practising my Spanish with a friend or just getting to know people through the hoop, pole and German classes even with the disappointments that have left me scarred for the rest of my life. As cliche as it sounds, I’d like to quote Neale Donald Walsch, “Everything is falling together perfectly, even though it looks as if some things are falling apart. Trust in the process you are now experiencing.”

Lastly, this experience got me back to reading and writing more as I don’t think I would have written as much as I would have if it weren’t for the fact that I was depressed, anxious and just full of self-loathing all the time. It is nice to have that reminder that the night ends and that joy comes in the morning.

To leave you with an empowering verse, Romans 12:12, Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Fitting that I close this sorrowful chapter with the same verse as I opened it with. It brings me great joy and excitement to know that I am moving forward.

Know that as dire the situation as it may seem, if you’re not dead, God’s not done. Keep moving!

I hope this short article gives you the courage you need to take another step today.

Sincerely yours,

Allison

When your year sucks, give yourself 3 years

‘No one wants to hear a song
About the bitch that broke my heart‘

Gloomy days remind me of the day we broke up and coincidentally, I heard this song a month before that (wretched) date. More importantly, how is this song so deceptively sweet? If you do not listen to the lyrics carefully, you would think it is a love song.

I love this song because it encapsulates the totality of that rather short-lived relationship, especially these three points. If there was a song about how I fell in love and how we broke up, it would be this song. Ironic, isn’t it?

1. No one wants to hear a song
About the bitch that broke my heart (The same way I should stop writing about it.)

2. I should have listened to my mama
She saw through you from the start (I attribute this line to my dad, he told me that I have more to lose if I were to pursue this relationship wholeheartedly.)

3. I lost more than money, dear
You knocked the swagger out of me (Right on.)

Since I have nothing left to say
That will make you change your mind
I’ll say goodbye on a beautiful spring day
It was a place not too dissimilar to this one
Where I first saw your face
You look like home, sat all alone
I should have found somebody cheaper to chase
Tragically, nobody told me
How expensive you would be
I lost more than money, dear
You knocked the swagger out of me

‘What am I doing with my life?’

That’s a question that I frequently find myself asking before I go to bed every single night and sometimes, during the day. If it were a Sims game, my dissatisfaction levels have broken through the gauge, leaking out of me like gas out of a car.

Sometimes, I think maybe I’m overthinking my life but I digress. Viktor Frankl once said, “A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the ‘why’ for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any how.” I read Viktor Frankl’s book when I was in my third year of university. As an 18-year-old at that time, I vividly remember telling myself that I hope that I do not come to a point where I’m so hopeless that I lose my will to live.

Unfortunately, I have.

It was a mistake to let my someone handle my heart because as I write this, the deep-seated disappointment is just there. I have never been so disappointed in my life that the wind in my sails was taken out.

Six months is not enough and I watched from a YouTube video that three years should be the length of time to see if something will stick or if something will bear fruit. Maybe I’ll find my why again and the answer to the question of why should I keep on living. I don’t know how people survived through this and maybe my cynicism is getting the better of me.

Three years, I hope to come back to this and prove to my desperate 26-year-old who fights to live one day at a time that it’s going to get better. I hope that in three years’ time, I am able to rediscover my why again.

In the meantime, I’ll be reading ‘The Way of Kings’ by Brandon Sanderson.

Sincerely,

Allison

Daydreams and a Happy Birthday

I love this song so much. It reminds me of the 50s. 😦 It’s a good wedding song to dance to too.

Before anything, I want to greet someone with a happy birthday! It’s still 4 days away but happy birthday regardless.

Ever since I heard this song, my heart has been thumping uncontrollably. Reminders have started popping everywhere and I’m not entirely if it was signalling something or am I being delusional.

How do you stop yourself from being so?

So far, telling myself over and over again, “There is NO WAY that it is going to happen. It would take a miracle and as much as I like to believe that our story is nothing short of one, it’s just impossible. God may be in the business of miracles but I don’t think this is one of them – or at least, I do not want to raise my hopes up.”

I would never fall in love again until I found her
I said, “I would never fall unless it’s you I fall into”
I was lost within the darkness, but then I found her
I found you

It could be with another person but who am I kidding really? I know who I want. It has never really changed and I’m just writing it off as an unfulfilled dream.

While it’s true I’ve spent countless nights crying and I have spent so much time and energy, working on becoming better but you know what? I believe that if we were meant to be, we would see each other again after becoming better people. I would be more cautious but, I’ll give it another shot.

Who knows? But that’s just me. I think this time around, I should wait a year to say I love you back, LMAO.

Sincerely,

Allison