What are better days?

Dear, please don’t forget
The days would never have disappeared
Children and a house we are planning
It all disappeared when you left me
So now

Pour the beer down my throat
To drown my troubled heart
Every drop, what a relish
What do I really prefer?
Is this beer or your love?

A poor translation by Google.

All hopes were dashed when the discovery was made and that made me pursue healing more aggressively or maybe I shouldn’t and just let things flow for a while. I really have no idea and while I appreciate wandering aimlessly, I do not think that is a good idea in life. What I do know is that I might have spread myself way too thin to keep feelings at bay.

Unlike before when I was hoping he would come to find me someday in Hong Kong or vice versa, I now know that it is impossible. I should not wait around for someone who left me behind. It would be a miracle but since I am too broken to believe in such things, I am choosing not to. As I mentioned before, hope deferred makes the heart sick.

Feeling utterly broken, discouraged and defeated, I want to cling to that shred of hope and keep on living. I really want to believe that something good will come out of this. I just have to do my best every single day even when some, if not most, nights are punctuated with tears and unrestful sleep.

Having met and talked with my sister who is currently spending a year in Hong Kong, she and her beau are in a long-distance relationship. However, this made her realise that maybe she wants to settle down soon and her partner feels the same way. I do believe that LDRs do work if both partners put in the work so do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

With that being said, I am throwing my goals this year out of the window and I think I will just try to survive by reversing the damage dealt by my half-assed attempts of trying to keep my head above water.

First Step: Clean my Living Space

The state of my room reflects my mood. If I clean it up then maybe, I’ll get better.

Second Step: Get a good night’s sleep

My sleep was affected greatly. I do not sleep anymore, no matter how tired I am. Sometimes I close my eyes and before I know it, it is already eight in the morning and I do not feel well-rested. Other nights, I do not drift off until 2. I’m afraid of going to sleep because I am afraid of my dreams especially when I dream of him.

I am afraid of going to bed. I cannot even nap anymore.

Third Step: Go back to eating well

I stopped cooking and either I do not eat or I am bingeing. It’s not good.

Reflections

Grief is scary and I am coping poorly. I am sick and tired.

My sister said that one of her biggest fears is to lose her beloved because as cheesy as it sounds, he’s a big part of her life. To see my precious sibling grow up to be such a loving lady gives me a little bit of hope.

The fact that I have not given in to the urge to self-destruct, purge and throw away everything means that I am still fighting for a future and I still believe in better days. I have gone through a lot of things and it is only right to think that this is just one of them. Although out of all the things I have gone through, this is the first time that it was not self-inflicted.

I think he would know what I’m talking about since I never had to hide anything from him. After all, I want to believe that I am a person of integrity and the type of person who I’m also looking for as a partner – strong, proactive, steadfast, kind, loving, fun, wise and smart, a man of integrity and character and of patience. Oh, someone who has a good work ethic too – industrious and creative too.

My parents commended my resilience, my mom, especially. It makes me happy to know that while this trial is ongoing, they acknowledge the character that is being built. It sucks but James was right when he penned, ² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I am not masochistic in any shape or form but I can only pray and hope that I am being shaped to be better and that I become well-equipped for trials like this ahead. So while I suffer the ill effects of this potent feeling called grief. I will try and do my best to power through my day to day until I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope to write something happy in the future so that I can share something good that has happened in my life but until then, I’d like to think that you are with me in my grieving and in my recovery.

Sincerely yours,

Allison.