The title says it all.
Falling for someone when you do not have the time or the resources to do so is a conundrum that I am quite familiar with as I have faced this before.
The idea of entertaining or pursuing a romantic interest or to just let it pass by.
There are a few questions running inside my head right now that direct me to what I need to do and what I know and understand that I need to do like:
- You’re preparing to undergo entrance exams and applications. Will you have the time?
- You’re saving up for said master and possible immigration. Will you be able to spend some funds?
- Have you even met this person in person?
- From the get-go, do you think you have the same values?
- Do you actually like this person or are you just craving companionship?
- Can you say that you don’t have any more emotional baggage if you were to pursue this?
- Should I? Should I not?
This set of questions is similar to the a set of questions I asked myself previously to which I have overridden the majority of the answers by saying, ‘Fuck it. Whatever happens, happens.’
I can only imagine the immense stress on my brain as it pushes against a proverbial front door as my heart bangs incessantly against it frantic and screaming, “Come on! Take a risk. You don’t know what’s going to happen! Maybe it will work this time. It has been so long since you have had any sort of romance, just please indulge me once in a while. It has been a hard year and it’s not even over. Please, please. PLEASE!“
Now that I am writing it down, I see how insane my heart is. To quote Albert Einstein and his Parable of Quantum Insanity,
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
Albert Einstein
Like a parent to a child, it kind of hurts to deny me of something that most people require but I know it is for my own good. Deep down inside, I know that the answer is not yet. The good thing is though, I get to do a do-over of what I should have done the first time around and maybe, I’ll be able to gauge how long this infatuation will last and use this to save myself from less than ideal situations.
It is a strange way of exercising self-control and self-discipline but it is only strange because this thinking or value is not what is usually propagated in the media and the apparent instant gratification culture that we have. YOLO, anyone? It is not to say that I have not fallen for it because I have, clearly, but what I’m trying to get across is that there should be calculated risk in taking up an opportunity and therefore, it is alright to say no and I do not want to get burned twice.
This is in no way self-flagellation but rather, self-care. Thinking and taking action for the long term is a form of self-care.
One last note that I would like to make is that this guy is into D&D and I refuse to have my heart broken again by another D&D player as much as I would like to be able to play D&D with my partner.
Truly, my disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined.
sigh.
Sincerely,
Allison
Allison Lagarde 