Embracing Happiness

Have you ever felt this cheesy happiness in spite of having no one?

It is definitely not an indicator that one will be meeting someone or dating someone new but, listening to love songs rouses that romantic in me. Even if the world has cast a somewhat cynical light on love and perhaps, one can even axiomatize scientific studies, I believe love exists. You can blame my Jesuit education but, I strongly believe love exists and it is wonderful, forgiving and without a doubt, difficult.

Love is a choice and it will always be a choice hence, why it is difficult. I choose to love my life even with its difficulties. I hated it for a short time because things did not go my way but, it happens. Before you know it, the thing that blew up in your face is over and you know what is nice? The fact that I am persevering and that I am still here to sing out loud to love songs, to give cuddles to my rabbits, to work on a goal, to dream that someday I will find someone who loves me as much as I love them, gives me a boost of endorphins.

It is a nice feeling. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in a long time.

I will still move to Europe. I will still get my master’s degree. I will still work on my plans and goals but right now, I will just belt out Michael Learns to Rock songs and prepare for tomorrow.

P.S. It goes without saying that I do hope when I do start dating again, I would be a lot wiser. A two-year break is a long time to know one’s self. Hopefully, I can refine my 2018 standards list even further as I believe it is of utmost importance to keep a list non-negotiables to avoid headaches and heartbreaks when wading through the dating pool.

It makes me excited because I have another thing to look forward to.



The Immortal Words, A Stormlight Archives

Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination. That was their motto, and was the First Ideal of the Immortal Words. There were four others.”Kaladin raised an eyebrow. “Which were?””I don’t actually know,” Teft said. “But the Immortal Words – these Ideals – guided everything they did. The four later Ideals were said to be different for every order of Radiants. But the First Ideal was the same for each of the ten: Life before death, strength before weakness, journey before destination.” – Teft to Kaladin

Spoilers ahead.

It has been almost a year after my descent to what I consider to be the lowest point in my life and almost at the end of it, I found a saving grace and comfort in Brandon Sanderson”s The Way of Kings.

I find it curious and unbelievably coincidental how the timeline coincided with the book’s storyline. Following Kaladin’s story in the book was painfully similar to mine metaphorically. Unlike him, I am not branded as a slave but we have both found ourselves in depressive slumps and, at one point, have considered taking our lives. Questions like ‘What’s the point?’, Why am I doing this?’ or ‘What am I fighting for?’ haunted our daily lives especially when we fought so hard and valiantly yet failed to protect the people who knew exactly what to say and whom we deeply loved – his brother and my lover respectively. Betrayed by a light eyes.

The gravity of our situation crushed our spirits. I talk as if I knew what he was going through but I cannot help but empathise with the man because it was like reading my own autobiography for this certain period in time. I would be simply lying if I did not admit that he encouraged me to get out of the slump that I am in. He and Dalinar.

In all my moping and wallowing, I realised that I have not been acting honourably.

I look to figures like Kaladin, Dalinar and Jasnah. Perfectly flawed people yet there is surefootedness in their actions because they act according to their morals and with integrity.

Dalinar amazes me with his commitment and his faith in both his brother, the codes and the visions he received.

Jasnah is a woman of logic. The sharpness of her wit, her dedication to her studies and her wisdom make me want to be like such a woman. A woman with grace and wisdom. Like an owl in the night, she silently strikes.

Finally, Kaladin. If there is a character who I identify with so much, it would be Kaladin Stormblessed. His depressive episodes yet he moves forward to fight because he is persistent and persistence is something that I used to pride myself in.

Finally, it has never been clearer to me that I would like to have someone who has gone through life’s harsh obstacle courses and whose character has been forged to that of an honourable man. Of course, one cannot forego the more affable and cheeky qualities that are present when intimately entangled as such but above everything else, my future husband’s steadfastness, wisdom, integrity, love and tenderness shall be the qualities that I will heavily rely on when times of hardships arrive and he to me. After all, no one would want to be with someone they do not respect.

With that being said, I saw a photo of my ex on his graduation day on my Facebook wall. I realised why I decided to uninstall the social media platform except for its messaging feature. I do not think I will ever be alright in facing the man who has broken my heart. I may forgive him but seeing his face brings forth grief and anxiety that makes me feel lightheaded and my heart gets caught in my throat. Admittedly, it is not a great feeling and honestly, it might take many, many years before I can fully get over someone who left a deep wound in me.

While I do not enjoy being in the pit, I believe that God is doing something behind the scenes. As obscure as it seems, I believe that my life is in good hands because it is in the hands of the Almighty. It may not seem like it at the moment but this should not deter me from showing up every single day and to learn from the past me who used to give it 200% of her all, all the time.

To you, life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.