“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.”
— Charles Bukowski
When my 26th birthday came rolling around and I knew that the birthday greeting that I was waiting for was not coming, the cracks in my emotional and mental health became more pronounced.
It started with a crumbling morning and evening routine – missed showers, unhealthy meals, migraines and sleepless nights. Afterwards, it snowballed to not leaving the house, not even leaving my room and just zoning out when with others (mostly because I’m trying to concentrate on not passing out from my headaches). For almost two weeks, I’ve been experiencing physically manifested emotional pain and at one point, I had to call my good friend from the PH to help me reason out my way of offing myself/self-harm as self-harm gives the illusion of control – only I can choose to hurt myself right?
Deep down inside, I know what’s causing my wild mood swings and what caused my mental breakdown- the holidays, my birthday and now, Valentine’s. There’s also this insistent thought that the perp of my misery is having the best time of his life while I’m left to put myself back together and it makes me so angry. However, I feel so guilty afterwards for feeling that way. I should be happy for him because he’s living the life that he wanted EVEN IF I’m deeply wounded and still hurting from what was said, how it was said and just the breakup in general. No doubt that the breakup took a toll on me and it’s still taking a toll on me. If I’m not careful, I can get stuck in fight or flight mode and it’s usually the latter.
You know it’s a problem when it’s a recurring issue and when you start clamming up and pushing people away – viewing them as either a potential threat to your already fragile state or someone who’s not going to be helpful in your and would only take more from you. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I’m not as mature as I thought I am. and as I would like to be.
This can’t go on forever even if it already feels like it. At the behest of some of my good friends, I’m going to see a therapist or, a psychologist; whichever one comes first. I should have gone after the first three times of having small mental breakdowns from August last year but I was stubborn with just pushing through regardless of how I felt. Whatever I think I am suffering from, grief, PTSD, all of the above or otherwise, I understand now that I would need professional help in getting through possibly the hardest event of my life so far. I can spin the death of a loved one in a positive light but the loss of your most cherished person, the person who you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with, is utterly devastating and just soul-crushing.
I can spin the death of a loved one in a positive light but the loss of your most cherished person, the person who you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with, is utterly devastating and just soul-crushing.
On those days when the sting of the breakup makes itself known, I find myself at a loss for words and a paralysing wave of grief washes over me that I would need more than a minute to collect myself, feel the emotions and get back to it. I have to remind myself that emotions are fleeting, it’s better to acknowledge and feel it, lest you want to become someone like me – having mental breakdowns from all the pent up anger, grief and frustrations.
Even though I have so many goals I want to accomplish this year, I’ve decided to take it slow and focus on getting better mentally. More than anything, I don’t want to accomplish goals half-heartedly and being mentally prepared and well is already half the battle.
To everyone who’s going through the same thing (that may be caused by different factors), I feel you and I feel your pain. If you can, go see a therapist. Get help and know that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.
We’re going to be okay.
With so much love,
A.
Allison Lagarde 