Waking up well-rested 🛏️

Maybe I’m getting better.

It has been so long since I slept so well and woke up well-rested.

The last time I woke up thanking God that I’m still alive was before my ex brought up the fact that maybe he wanted to break up and that was back in February 2021. From then on, the looming figure of uncertainty and its sharp talons stood by my bedside every evening. I thought I could escape it by moving flats but having a flatmate and living in North Point only exacerbated the situation.

I cannot find another word for my living situation but my year in North Point was chiefly miserable. I do not want to get into it but I hated every moment in that flat. I think it is because I am not meant to live with someone after living on my own after I moved out of my parents’ place. I have decided that I will not live with a flatmate if I can help it and/or if my flatmate is going to be my future husband.

Now that I’m back to living alone, I come home to a clean kitchen and a swept floor. When I was living with a flatmate, pots, pans, and dishes were left unwashed until a couple of days later. When I went in to feed the person’s pet, there were roaches on the person’s bed and just bags of food strewn about. Let’s just say it was disgusting. I’m no clean freak but coming back to my new flat with clean spaces makes me really happy.

Butterflies 🦋

Somebody told me that I’m their favourite part of the campaign. He and I both play D&D and if you can recall, I vowed to never date anyone who plays D&D ever again. I know, I know – never say never right? However, that was the sweetest thing I have ever heard in the last year or year and a half. The last time was when I received love letters and the poem he wrote which I still read from time to time. If I can sum it up succinctly, it’s uncomplicated to get to my heart especially since I also don’t ask for much.

Anyway, I know that we will never see each other in person since he has his whole life on the other side of the globe but our conversations make my week. I am wholeheartedly with Cala Maria on priorities (I’ve shared the link below 😉) hence, my no-dating rule and I really do think it’s a bad time to fall in love BUT, but, I wouldn’t mind keeping these conversations up because it makes me feel less alone. I would be lying if I say I don’t look forward to chatting and someone to share my day with. It’s really sweet.

Lastly, I was in for a shocker yesterday because a friend of mine tried appending his last name to mine. It came up after discussing J. Lo’s marriage to Ben Affleck. There was a lot of buildup that lead to it but I was definitely shocked that I had to change the topic.

Fishes 🐠

Maybe I’ll get to the point where I will be completely over my ex and then maybe, I’ll start becoming more open to being in a relationship again. I mean it is true, there is a lot of fish in the sea. Maybe I’ll get unstuck from that mindset of just wanting my ex even now. I know that I will get unstuck slowly but surely. This pit reminds me of quicksand – the more I struggle, the harder it is for me to get out. I realise now that taking it slow is the way to go.

Knowing that someone else out there is willing to choose me, build a life together, and traverse it together comforts me a lot that my grip or want for my ex is waning more and more each day. It also makes me want to go back to better myself for me, for the people around me, and for my future friends and family. As cheesy as it sounds, I want my future husband to be proud of me as his wife. It’s going to take a lot of hard work and dedication but I do think that I’m happier and better for it.

Sincerely yours,

Allison.

Fluorescent Adolescent

Remember when the boys were all electric?

I sit here with a newfound love for this song.

As I was going through one of the earlier playlists that I like, Uppers, I realise that 2022 has been a crawl and I’m not even talking about the macroenvironment. I find it absolutely outstanding that so many things happened over the course of a year like – moving flats (again.), going on a couple of dates, helping my mother get a job, helping my rabbit give birth, letting go of some of my rabbits, my sister graduating and getting a job, becoming friends again with E, falling out – just so many things that I failed to journal because of the roller coaster I was on.

Now I’m settling down into a new flat, working on my career, and working on reentering the social scene, and maybe pursuing my travel plans next year. I still dream of my life from two to three years ago every now and then because sometimes maybe I peaked then but I believe that there will be many more peaks and troughs in life. So I look back at my life from the end of 2018 to mid-2021 fondly.

In terms of my romantic life, well, love will find me again. I didn’t look for it then, and I won’t look for it now.

Sincerely,

A.

When it is a terrible time to fall in love

The title says it all.

Falling for someone when you do not have the time or the resources to do so is a conundrum that I am quite familiar with as I have faced this before.

The idea of entertaining or pursuing a romantic interest or to just let it pass by.

There are a few questions running inside my head right now that direct me to what I need to do and what I know and understand that I need to do like:

• You’re preparing to undergo entrance exams and applications. Will you have the time?
• You’re saving up for said master and possible immigration. Will you be able to spend some funds?
• Have you even met this person in person?
• From the get-go, do you think you have the same values?
• Do you actually like this person or are you just craving companionship?
• Can you say that you don’t have any more emotional baggage if you were to pursue this?
• Should I? Should I not?

This set of questions is similar to the a set of questions I asked myself previously to which I have overridden the majority of the answers by saying, ‘Fuck it. Whatever happens, happens.’

I can only imagine the immense stress on my brain as it pushes against a proverbial front door as my heart bangs incessantly against it frantic and screaming, “Come on! Take a risk. You don’t know what’s going to happen! Maybe it will work this time. It has been so long since you have had any sort of romance, just please indulge me once in a while. It has been a hard year and it’s not even over. Please, please. PLEASE!“

Now that I am writing it down, I see how insane my heart is. To quote Albert Einstein and his Parable of Quantum Insanity,

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

Albert Einstein

Like a parent to a child, it kind of hurts to deny me of something that most people require but I know it is for my own good. Deep down inside, I know that the answer is not yet. The good thing is though, I get to do a do-over of what I should have done the first time around and maybe, I’ll be able to gauge how long this infatuation will last and use this to save myself from less than ideal situations.

It is a strange way of exercising self-control and self-discipline but it is only strange because this thinking or value is not what is usually propagated in the media and the apparent instant gratification culture that we have. YOLO, anyone? It is not to say that I have not fallen for it because I have, clearly, but what I’m trying to get across is that there should be calculated risk in taking up an opportunity and therefore, it is alright to say no and I do not want to get burned twice.

This is in no way self-flagellation but rather, self-care. Thinking and taking action for the long term is a form of self-care.

One last note that I would like to make is that this guy is into D&D and I refuse to have my heart broken again by another D&D player as much as I would like to be able to play D&D with my partner.

Truly, my disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined.

sigh.

Sincerely,

Allison

A Man like Dalinar Kholin

While his full backstory is yet to unfold, I cannot help but fancy someone like Dalinar.

There were three instances in The Way of Kings that made me love his character to the point where I muse to myself, ‘If I could find someone like that in real life, I’d be more than content. and ecstatic’. You would have to read it for yourself and let me know as I do not want to spoil you.

However, in this musing, my need to better myself was reignited once more. How can I be a partner to someone who is just totally awesome when I, myself, am not? What can I bring to the table that will help my partner? or myself so that I do not seem like I am disabled or worse, spoiled? I do not want to be perfect because that is such a heavy burden to bear but I want to be capable in my own right so that I am not a burden to my loved ones and mostly, to my partner. Having read The Way of Kings kindled my self-respect, my ambition and most of all, my drive to become better.

Why is this such an important thing to me?

There is a character named Navani in the book and she was the former queen of Alekthar. She was described to be as not only drop-dead gorgeous but a woman of influence, ambition and intelligence just like her daughter. Without spoiling too much, she is a researcher and a woman of science. She is professional and strong-minded seeing that she used to be an Alethi queen. By the end of Book 1, she and Gavilar started courting and Gavilar was head over heels for Navani.

I could not care less about politicking because I have little to no patience when it comes to dealing with irrelevant stuff nor do I have plans of advancing myself using such ways but people like Navani or Jasnah commands themselves and not the other way around and that is admirable. I think I have said this a million times but I admire people who live with commitment and integrity. Someone who does not give up when the going gets tough and someone who is not easily persuaded (more on this after I finish reading Persuasion by Jane Austen).

Lastly, this also has something to do with my view on love. Call me old-fashioned and this might be an unpopular opinion but I am a big believer that once we are in an exclusive romantic relationship, you are my responsibility as much as I am yours. I still have yet to determine if this applies after marriage because I did this before and that resulted in a broken heart.

What does this mean? My happiness and your happiness should not hinge on each other entirely. I mean if you do something nice for me, of course, I would be happy and I would hope that it is the same for you. More than that, while we have our own lives to live and dreams to pursue, we make space and time to encourage each other, respect each other, support each other, have each other’s backs and have fun with each other in the context of love.

How would I define love then? Unfortunately for some, I believe in biblical love and this love includes admonishment or correction. I dislike how most, if not all, sees love as all rainbows and butterflies without anything to balance it. This is not love, this is enablement and we both know that enablers are both a problem and the cause of many other problems. As Dalinar puts it, An adult can take a principle and adapt it to his needs. But we’re not ready for that yet. We’re children. And when you’re teaching a child, you require him to do what is right until he grows old enough to make his own choices.

Or like how Apostle Paul wrote to the church of Corinth, When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

When all things are said and done, there is but one way to end this.

I want to be better.

Sincerely,

Allison