“How are you still single?!”

It wasn’t love, it was a trick of the moon.

One of the most common laments among single friends is how the dating pool is shite. The guys are not enough, and the girls are not authentic enough. It has become a hodgepodge of unattainable looks and impossible standards. I am not a player of the dating game but a mere observer so, from my point of view, it has just been pure and unadulterated chaos.

However, one thing somebody asked made me think, “Why are you still single?”

The Big Q: “Why are you still single?”

In the words of a good friend of mine, “it’s not for the lack of trying” or maybe it is. I have come to that point where I am perfectly happy working on things that I want to accomplish, my family and friends and life, in general. I want to build on that foundation first before getting together with someone. I believe that love will find me in the midst of working on myself and chasing dreams and goals.

However, if there was one thing I learned from my breakup, it is that it takes me a long time to process and move on. I also do a lot of stupid things within that healing period so unless, I want my future self to suffer, I’m not going to be dipping a toe in the pool in the foreseeable future. I will not close myself to the opportunity if it pops up but I will not be looking for it.

Lastly, in a transient city like Hong Kong, people come and go. One day they are here and tomorrow they are gone. If you get into a relationship with one of them, as soon as they return to where they come from, you best believe that the “out of sight, out of mind” mindset becomes commonplace. Promises that were made here fizzle out and it is as if the love was not there to begin with.

Some relationships survive, of course, but I do not want to risk it here in Hong Kong. I can say that from experience.

In summary, I don’t want to because I don’t do well after a breakup and that, it can take years before I could get back on my feet and time is money.

Where priorities and values lie

I understand that my values will not be for everybody and so theirs to mine. The issue I have is that some of these values are strongly rooted in or influenced by traumatic experiences. If I were to guesstimate, I would probably be disinterested in about 80% to 90% of the 28-35 year old male demographic. I have come to agree with the saying, “better single than in a poor relationship”. I am also quite traditional and I would like to be with a manly man who can be a romantic from time to time ( think: Riftan from Under the Oak Tree).

My priorities, at the moment, are to work on myself and my circle of influence. Work on my career, hobbies and travelling. Spending time with my family (travelling with my mother soon!) and my rabbits or catching up with my siblings. You know, it is a liberating feeling to finally shake off the last patches of sad emotions that I carried throughout the year.

I can finally and confidently say that I love and respect myself and how far I have come. Now, I just want to be like Vesper Lynd or Eva Green – intelligent and elegant. I want to work on my communication skills. I want to be great!

Sincerely yours,

Allison

Welcoming 2023 Early 🎆

End Result: Gratitude

The end of 2021 and 2022 may have been less than ideal but I can confidently say that I am really grateful for this year and a half. I am still sorting my priorities as there is a much-needed realignment on what I would like to accomplish in the coming years.

It dawned on me last Saturday how happy I am and grateful for the things and the people I have in my life. It took quite some time to get to where I am now but boy, I can confidently say that I’m content and happy where I am now. Could life still be improved? Yes, of course. Am I still working to move forward towards my goals? Yes, definitely but instead of slugging through daily life, apathetic or hating every single second of it, I’m enjoying the journey. I learned that I can take a serious and heavy beating and cry about it for as long as I can until I fully let it out but, in the end, I will rise up, bloodied and soldier on, tougher and hopefully, wiser than before. I also learned that I am quite resourceful and quick on my feet to come up with and execute different solutions to my problems.

Journey before destination.

Thank God that God created me as someone who’s tough as nails and I thank my parents for nurturing that trait in me. It was during this time of weakness I was able to pinpoint some of my strengths. Knowing what these are, I hope to use them to help others in their times of crisis.

Strength before weakness.

As 2022 is about to come to a close, I would like to give it my thanks because without this year, I would have not been able to drill into my head that there is more to life than my current situation. The healing process, as cringy and cliche as it sounds, did wonders for my growth towards self-actualisation. My desperation, the hurt and the negative voices in my head made me cling to that dying hope and will to live inside me. Every day was a struggle and it was a mental battle to find the balance between toxic optimism and self-flagellating depression.

As new experiences, happy or sad, compounded, my attention was brought to the present instead of the past. When I reminisce about the past, I simply remind myself, “He will never come back. He left for something or someone he thinks is better than you. He will never come back and he has forgotten about you. Just walk away. Don’t come back to this place that you’ve worked so hard to move on from.” I do now know if you need to hear those words but if I were to give you words of advice from whatever it is you’re experiencing, always fight for your will and right to live.

Life is going to be a struggle but fight to see how your life unfolds. Live.

Life before death.

Up Next!

Hey guys, thank you for staying with me through this turbulent time in my life. I really appreciate it. I’m getting back to regularly writing, creating artwork and photography. Once I have a rough trajectory of what I want to accomplish this coming year, I’ll be writing an article about that so stay tuned!

In the meantime, I hope everyone is staying warm and healthy. Christmas is coming around the corner and I hope that, whether you’re celebrating it alone or with family or friends, you have a wonderful one.

Thank you again and I appreciate each and every one of you.

With much love,

Allison Lagarde

Coming of Age

Revisiting my earlier posts, I admit that I was still holding on to some kind of hope that my ex would come back to me. I was fantasizing about how he will fly back to Hong Kong and then, we will meet again at one of the most memorable spots we have gone to throughout our relationship. It would be by some kind of twist of fate or a one-of-a-kind miracle that God grants to those He loves. After all, I believe that miracles still do happen. I think this miracle is just not for me.

As days turned to months and months turned to a year, my hope dwindled. I prayed and prayed but nothing happened. My prayers evolved into reminding myself that he will never come back and that he has forgotten about me – an anaesthetic to that longing that does not go away. In the midst of my proactive waiting, someone told me that when someone leaves you, it’s usually because they think they can do better and that they will be happier with someone else than with you. Is it the truth? I don’t know but I wouldn’t deny its plausibility.

It was like someone splashed cold water on me when I heard those words. It made sense and these words were what I needed to hear to decide where I stand in all of this. Thus, I am able to fully let go and release any hope regarding that what-if. Hopefully, I can give all of my sincerity to the things I do daily and to my goals as there’s no lying that it took the wind out of my sails.

By ending this ‘should I or should I not’ game that I have played with myself for over a year, I hope to fully be alive instead of living half-assedly. Someone told me recently that I was their sunshine and it makes me think of those days when my happiness was unbounded in spite of the problems that I faced. I want to get to that point again. I want to become that person again – a person who’s mature yet beholds everything with a child-like wonder. I think it would be nice to regain a piece of my old self back.

This was an indubitable coming-of-age experience and I feel like I have become every aspect of the word, ‘Adult’. This was a major character development on my part and seeing it for what it is is a strange experience. To recall what my ex said, maybe I’m better for it.

Sincerely yours,

Allison.

Waking up well-rested 🛏️

Maybe I’m getting better.

It has been so long since I slept so well and woke up well-rested.

The last time I woke up thanking God that I’m still alive was before my ex brought up the fact that maybe he wanted to break up and that was back in February 2021. From then on, the looming figure of uncertainty and its sharp talons stood by my bedside every evening. I thought I could escape it by moving flats but having a flatmate and living in North Point only exacerbated the situation.

I cannot find another word for my living situation but my year in North Point was chiefly miserable. I do not want to get into it but I hated every moment in that flat. I think it is because I am not meant to live with someone after living on my own after I moved out of my parents’ place. I have decided that I will not live with a flatmate if I can help it and/or if my flatmate is going to be my future husband.

Now that I’m back to living alone, I come home to a clean kitchen and a swept floor. When I was living with a flatmate, pots, pans, and dishes were left unwashed until a couple of days later. When I went in to feed the person’s pet, there were roaches on the person’s bed and just bags of food strewn about. Let’s just say it was disgusting. I’m no clean freak but coming back to my new flat with clean spaces makes me really happy.

Butterflies 🦋

Somebody told me that I’m their favourite part of the campaign. He and I both play D&D and if you can recall, I vowed to never date anyone who plays D&D ever again. I know, I know – never say never right? However, that was the sweetest thing I have ever heard in the last year or year and a half. The last time was when I received love letters and the poem he wrote which I still read from time to time. If I can sum it up succinctly, it’s uncomplicated to get to my heart especially since I also don’t ask for much.

Anyway, I know that we will never see each other in person since he has his whole life on the other side of the globe but our conversations make my week. I am wholeheartedly with Cala Maria on priorities (I’ve shared the link below 😉) hence, my no-dating rule and I really do think it’s a bad time to fall in love BUT, but, I wouldn’t mind keeping these conversations up because it makes me feel less alone. I would be lying if I say I don’t look forward to chatting and someone to share my day with. It’s really sweet.

Lastly, I was in for a shocker yesterday because a friend of mine tried appending his last name to mine. It came up after discussing J. Lo’s marriage to Ben Affleck. There was a lot of buildup that lead to it but I was definitely shocked that I had to change the topic.

Fishes 🐠

Maybe I’ll get to the point where I will be completely over my ex and then maybe, I’ll start becoming more open to being in a relationship again. I mean it is true, there is a lot of fish in the sea. Maybe I’ll get unstuck from that mindset of just wanting my ex even now. I know that I will get unstuck slowly but surely. This pit reminds me of quicksand – the more I struggle, the harder it is for me to get out. I realise now that taking it slow is the way to go.

Knowing that someone else out there is willing to choose me, build a life together, and traverse it together comforts me a lot that my grip or want for my ex is waning more and more each day. It also makes me want to go back to better myself for me, for the people around me, and for my future friends and family. As cheesy as it sounds, I want my future husband to be proud of me as his wife. It’s going to take a lot of hard work and dedication but I do think that I’m happier and better for it.

Sincerely yours,

Allison.

Hello, November! 🦃

I am officially out of the slump!

Healing, depending on the person, takes a really long time and much like losing and keeping the weight off, it is not linear.

It took about more than a year but I have started enjoying life the way I did before my first relationship, maybe even a bit more. It is truly just now that I get to see the nuggets of wisdom that I earned over the last three months which I can slowly but surely, apply to my life.

Lastly, without these changes, I would have not been able to appreciate just how far I have come since August 2021.

Reflections on Some Areas of my Life

1. Self and Self-Improvement

My flatmate is moving out by the end of November or early December and for the first time since I moved out, I will have a relatively huge space to myself. I am absolutely excite and looking forward to it as this oddly timed event signals the end of a chapter and the start of a new one. I can definitely attest that it is almost like having an interlude or a filler chapter as this was a rather awkward and unsatisfying but maybe necessary year of my life.

I do not know the reason why the stars did not align and that I have to stay back for a few more months. Maybe I will never know why and this is some kind of plot device to move the story forward. All I know is that I will be using this time to recoup and regroup so that I can further figure out what my priorities are and whittle away the distractions.

After all, my 27th year is just around the corner and well, my Dad reminded me that I’m not getting any younger so, I need to get moving.

2. Career and Money

In one of my recent articles, I talked about how I had a brief stint moonlighting as a waitstaff in one of my favourite casual dining places in Hong Kong. It proved to be one of the most stressful things that I ever did recently as I was trying to give my 200% to both my full time job and my part time job. I almost burnt out doing that but it did provide insight and new lessons about health, career and money.

I think health is definitely one of the pillars of wealth. We all have to make sacrifices every now and then but, when I sacrificed my health, my performance at work started to suffer and my quality of life went down considerably. It took me a long time to get where I can be a little bit more comfortable without overextending myself.

Being debt-free is a blessing. Granted that I’m almost there, just finishing off the balance from my credit card but the idea of being debt-free and having enough savings sounds like heaven to me. I made a lot of bad decisions in my early 20s and it took me years to recover but this is the last leg of the race and I pray to God that I do not fall in the same line of thinking ever again. If there’s one thing I can advice in this article is that do not put yourself in the same situation that you asked God to help you get out off.

Learn how to be smarter. I got scammed recently and both my parents agreed that I give my all at the start of a relationship / friendship. I kind of knew that this might be the case but I usually justified it as why shouldn’t I right? When I reflect back on all of my friendships and my relationships, I was the one who got hurt the most in the end. My mother pointed this out as well and now I understand why ‘trust is earned, not given’. As an extension of this, so is any friendship or any relationship.

There is so much to say about this but those are the three major takeaways that I had over the last three months.

3. Romance and Love Life

I know, for a fact, that I’m not ready to date. I tried going on a date and he was nice but my heart was not in it. It is not the guy’s fault but I am very much in the camp of finding someone, being friends, falling in love, getting married and then it will be until death do us part.

As cheesy as it sounds, my ex-boyfriend found me and it took a lot of discernment from my side because I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person. He became a great friend and then became my best friend. I still think that meeting him and us, confessing our love for each was one of the most magical moments in my life. My ex was an amazing person and he has set the bar high. Whoever he ends up with is definitely one lucky person.

As for me and as controversial as it is in today’s dating culture, I will be proactively waiting for someone to come along for now who decides to choose me and I, him. It is a crucial time for me to sow seeds as much as I can so that I and my loved ones can have a better future.

I will say it again that August up until early October has been an awkward transition and were just months of constant change. Without it though, I would have not felt that I matured even just a little bit. I am starting to love my life and starting to feel alive again. It feels good as I get to appreciate more of the things that I used to enjoy and the people I would have missed creating connections with had I stayed being sad.

I’m happy to be back.

Have a lovely end of October and a beautiful start to November.

-A.

Growing Pains

I think it is quite interesting how life keeps surprising you while you’re alive. I do not think that I will ever get used to losing friends and people while growing up and getting older. Growing pains take on a new form than just an ache in your bones. People focus on the physical pains but no one really prepares you for the pains as well as the joys of growing up, getting older, and just by the virtue of being alive.

Unexpected Surprise

With a month and a half left, I learned that my flatmate is leaving even when it was written in our flatmate agreement that there should be at least three months’ notice. She made it clear that she is not going to extend her stay at least another month to help me out so that’s why I have started scrambling to get into a routine that will help ease the decision fatigue over the course of next year. With the current state of my life, I cannot afford the time and the energy to go apartment hunting.

It came to me as a shock initially but I think it only solidifies my thinking that maybe this is for the best and it would also be better for me if we stop being friends because I do not think it would be wise to be friends with someone who leaves you high and dry.

On another note, someone came back into my life recently. We had a chat and he and I were reminiscing about the old days and catching up. We didn’t talk for a period of about two years or so because of life but after being left behind, I felt some regret about letting this friendship go by the wayside. I have my reservations because a year of barely talking and being apart does not make any difference in one’s growth but I never say no to reconciliation.

Life has thrown me plenty of curved balls to the head recently and some have given me concussions.

The answers are not always as straightforward as they seem to be.

New Plans, New Ventures

Due to the sudden turn of events, you got to adapt.

My plans of saving up for a Master’s or a move out of the country may take a little longer since I have to adjust to the new constraint. If ceteris paribus applied to real life, I would have achieved it by the end of next year but, it would take me an additional 6 to 12 months I might as well look to leave by 2025. Even then, I do not know what the next six months have in store for me.

All I know is that I would have to look for another income stream to make sure that I cover the additional portion of my rent that was previously split with my flatmate.

Well, it seems like I have to scrap the majority of my plan and start all over again.

Sincerely,

Have a Break, Have a Kitkat

Hey everyone!

I’m back after almost two weeks of not writing anything and taking a break from writing and updating this blog.

A lot has happened during that week and a half off and I am more refreshed than ever. Ready to kick ass and conquer the last quarter of the year.

A quick reflection.

It has been so long since I have ever felt like I am happy and/or content with my life. There was a huge thunderstorm cloud that hung over my head wherever I went for a good year or so.

It was absolutely horrible – nothing that I did ever made me feel joy. There was a huge void in my life and that even when I was trying to be happy, it felt forced and most of all, it felt like a chore.

Hanging out with my family? I am not sure if I should even be here.

Working my job? I only took this job because I thought it would be my ticket to bring me closer to him.

Talking to friends? I want someone to commiserate with.

Now that I was able to have a break and just see my surroundings, my struggles, my victories and my life for what it is and appreciate it, it is like a veil has been lifted off my eyes and I can see again. I can work towards my goals again.

I am like the prophet Elijah and you are too. Sometimes, you just need a break.

The Updates

Update #1: A Part-Time Job

I started working as a part-time waitstaff for one of my favourite restaurants here in Hong Kong. There are things that I am saving up for like a LASIK surgery and a Master’s degree so you know, the dough is not going to work itself. I don’t know for how long I will be keeping this up but I am aiming for six months to a year. It also depends on how long the business will keep me because they are definitely looking for someone who is there full-time.

Update #2: Working on my Certifications

I was given another chance to work on my certifications and I have been taking it seriously. There’s a lot of restructuring that needs to happen in my life if I want to accommodate both learning and my part-time job. I’ll get there.

I have sacrificed a lot of sleep for a guy who was not even worth my time which I learned a little too late. This time around I am sacrificing it for something better. Sometimes, you just got to do it.

Update #3: Changing the blog space

I’m working on changing my blog’s appearance and its contents. I’m thinking of giving it more structure as I want to showcase things that I have been collecting, that I have been trying and places that I am going to visit and revisit.

It is a public journal so a little structure would be good.

The Goals

I have been reading up on The 12 Week Year by Brian P. Moran which I stumbled upon when I was watching Gabe Bult’s channel and on to another Youtuber’s channel. Seriously, check out Gabe Bult’s channel.

Summary:

Complete Caroline Girvan’s Epic I and lose 10 lbs (do a mini-cut) and complete C25K
Complete all of my PRINCE 2 Certifications and PMP certification
Complete a no-buy for the next 12 weeks (except for today, I really would like to have a pumpkin spice latte. Basic but it only comes once a year.)
- Rules for my no-buy:
  - No eating out unless it’s a special occasion (birthdays, company parties)
    - Essentials are okay – replacement products, repairs etc.
    - No games, no books, no clothes, no accessories and no make-up stuff. Read through all the ones I have first. Also, Dishonored is such a great game!
Hit my target goal for my company (70%).
Read more.

It’s almost like another attempt at 75 hard challenge and this time around, without any emotional baggage weighing me down, it is on.

Some of the goals will not start until tomorrow like the no-buy challenge but unofficially, we are starting the following today:

Caroline Girvan’s Epic I
Read more
Certifications and,
70% for my company.

It feels completely absurd to start on a Wednesday when it says Monday but here we are!

That’s it! See you Sunday for an update. 🙂

Cheers!

When it is a terrible time to fall in love

The title says it all.

Falling for someone when you do not have the time or the resources to do so is a conundrum that I am quite familiar with as I have faced this before.

The idea of entertaining or pursuing a romantic interest or to just let it pass by.

There are a few questions running inside my head right now that direct me to what I need to do and what I know and understand that I need to do like:

You’re preparing to undergo entrance exams and applications. Will you have the time?
You’re saving up for said master and possible immigration. Will you be able to spend some funds?
Have you even met this person in person?
From the get-go, do you think you have the same values?
Do you actually like this person or are you just craving companionship?
Can you say that you don’t have any more emotional baggage if you were to pursue this?
Should I? Should I not?

This set of questions is similar to the a set of questions I asked myself previously to which I have overridden the majority of the answers by saying, ‘Fuck it. Whatever happens, happens.’

I can only imagine the immense stress on my brain as it pushes against a proverbial front door as my heart bangs incessantly against it frantic and screaming, “Come on! Take a risk. You don’t know what’s going to happen! Maybe it will work this time. It has been so long since you have had any sort of romance, just please indulge me once in a while. It has been a hard year and it’s not even over. Please, please. PLEASE!“

Now that I am writing it down, I see how insane my heart is. To quote Albert Einstein and his Parable of Quantum Insanity,

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
Albert Einstein

Like a parent to a child, it kind of hurts to deny me of something that most people require but I know it is for my own good. Deep down inside, I know that the answer is not yet. The good thing is though, I get to do a do-over of what I should have done the first time around and maybe, I’ll be able to gauge how long this infatuation will last and use this to save myself from less than ideal situations.

It is a strange way of exercising self-control and self-discipline but it is only strange because this thinking or value is not what is usually propagated in the media and the apparent instant gratification culture that we have. YOLO, anyone? It is not to say that I have not fallen for it because I have, clearly, but what I’m trying to get across is that there should be calculated risk in taking up an opportunity and therefore, it is alright to say no and I do not want to get burned twice.

This is in no way self-flagellation but rather, self-care. Thinking and taking action for the long term is a form of self-care.

One last note that I would like to make is that this guy is into D&D and I refuse to have my heart broken again by another D&D player as much as I would like to be able to play D&D with my partner.

Truly, my disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined.

sigh.

Sincerely,

Allison

He Who Goes Before Me

Have you ever wondered why and what were you created for? Or, have you asked yourself why are you going through what you are going through?

The answer to the first question is usually vague and unanswerable as the answer unfolds itself either at the end of your life when you are on your deathbed, reflecting on your life or, before that very moment that will determine the course of the rest of your life. As for most cases, there is no definite answer that is known to the individual but someone else trustworthy and noble can attest to what you were made for. Like a hinge to a door, your life was a catalyst to something greater and you just did not know it.

The answer to the second can be multifaceted; it can be because of the right decisions made at the right time, poor choices, circumstances, happenstance, mistakes by others, almost anything really. The same way your life is a catalyst for others, their actions will also affect yours.

I would like to think that questions like these have crossed a person’s mind at least once in their life. I believe that questions like these when logically, factually and maybe, even morally, grounded serve as an excellent compass for one’s life. Alas, we are humans and we cannot be fully rational and logical beings all the time. I also believe that Aristotle will cry at the state of the world where humans act more like animals than they are rational animals. As much as Descartes rejected that notion, I think he would also cry too as we don’t think anymore at least, critically.

As you know, the last two to three years were rife with much confusion, disappointment and desperation. There were indeed happy moments but the sadness that followed outweighed and eroded whatever happiness experienced from those events. Bittersweet would be the perfect way to describe it. When these transpired, I fell into a deep depression where I barely had any care for anything at all. This challenging moment made me so weak as it hit me where it hurts the most and it pushed me to think, ‘What’s the point? Why should I care? Why should I try to be better when nothing ever works out anyway?’

In the depths of my self-pity, I read the Way of the Kings and I had a rather angry and frustrated conversation with my superiors. The former helped me pull me out of the darkness and the latter was a painful slap to pull me back into reality that I have obligations to fulfill and people and animals who depend on me. My responsibilities do not cease and the world does not stop from turning even when I am depressed. The months were I was half-assing living caused more trouble than it was worth. I am kicking myself because I let this happen but what matters now is how I gain back trust and get back on track.

Slowly bouncing back from the tragedies of the recent past, I have more than enough resolve to face the problems and the issues that arose when I was in that depressed headspace. As much as I would like to absolve and acquit myself, real life just does not work that way and I have to face the music one way or another. This also means that pruning my relationships, activities and habits that are no longer working. Decluttering, recycling and selling things that no longer hold any value or letting go of items that once brought me so much joy.

An act of discipline which I think of fondly as an act of self-care.

You know, sometimes, when I think about the whole thing, I am glad it happened. Maybe I am not meant to go to the UK or to Germany just yet. Maybe I still have a few things I need to do here in Asia like visit places. Sometimes when I think about why we broke up, maybe the reason why is so that I can focus on the things I needed to do. To close it off, I am pretty sure that there is something working behind the scenes in all of this quagmire but I have been given the space to work on myself, to work on personal projects without any distractions and to catch up and rectify the consequences of my poor choices without anyone waiting on me.

I may not understand but being given the space to work on things at my own pace is a blessing in of itself. God knows what is going to happen and He has gone before me and this takes off so much pressure to move and to force myself against an invisible wall.

For that, I am forever grateful.

Sincerely yours,

Allison.

The Immortal Words, A Stormlight Archives

Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination. That was their motto, and was the First Ideal of the Immortal Words. There were four others.”Kaladin raised an eyebrow. “Which were?””I don’t actually know,” Teft said. “But the Immortal Words – these Ideals – guided everything they did. The four later Ideals were said to be different for every order of Radiants. But the First Ideal was the same for each of the ten: Life before death, strength before weakness, journey before destination.” – Teft to Kaladin

Spoilers ahead.

It has been almost a year after my descent to what I consider to be the lowest point in my life and almost at the end of it, I found a saving grace and comfort in Brandon Sanderson”s The Way of Kings.

I find it curious and unbelievably coincidental how the timeline coincided with the book’s storyline. Following Kaladin’s story in the book was painfully similar to mine metaphorically. Unlike him, I am not branded as a slave but we have both found ourselves in depressive slumps and, at one point, have considered taking our lives. Questions like ‘What’s the point?’, Why am I doing this?’ or ‘What am I fighting for?’ haunted our daily lives especially when we fought so hard and valiantly yet failed to protect the people who knew exactly what to say and whom we deeply loved – his brother and my lover respectively. Betrayed by a light eyes.

The gravity of our situation crushed our spirits. I talk as if I knew what he was going through but I cannot help but empathise with the man because it was like reading my own autobiography for this certain period in time. I would be simply lying if I did not admit that he encouraged me to get out of the slump that I am in. He and Dalinar.

In all my moping and wallowing, I realised that I have not been acting honourably.

I look to figures like Kaladin, Dalinar and Jasnah. Perfectly flawed people yet there is surefootedness in their actions because they act according to their morals and with integrity.

Dalinar amazes me with his commitment and his faith in both his brother, the codes and the visions he received.

Jasnah is a woman of logic. The sharpness of her wit, her dedication to her studies and her wisdom make me want to be like such a woman. A woman with grace and wisdom. Like an owl in the night, she silently strikes.

Finally, Kaladin. If there is a character who I identify with so much, it would be Kaladin Stormblessed. His depressive episodes yet he moves forward to fight because he is persistent and persistence is something that I used to pride myself in.

Finally, it has never been clearer to me that I would like to have someone who has gone through life’s harsh obstacle courses and whose character has been forged to that of an honourable man. Of course, one cannot forego the more affable and cheeky qualities that are present when intimately entangled as such but above everything else, my future husband’s steadfastness, wisdom, integrity, love and tenderness shall be the qualities that I will heavily rely on when times of hardships arrive and he to me. After all, no one would want to be with someone they do not respect.

With that being said, I saw a photo of my ex on his graduation day on my Facebook wall. I realised why I decided to uninstall the social media platform except for its messaging feature. I do not think I will ever be alright in facing the man who has broken my heart. I may forgive him but seeing his face brings forth grief and anxiety that makes me feel lightheaded and my heart gets caught in my throat. Admittedly, it is not a great feeling and honestly, it might take many, many years before I can fully get over someone who left a deep wound in me.

While I do not enjoy being in the pit, I believe that God is doing something behind the scenes. As obscure as it seems, I believe that my life is in good hands because it is in the hands of the Almighty. It may not seem like it at the moment but this should not deter me from showing up every single day and to learn from the past me who used to give it 200% of her all, all the time.

To you, life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.

Sincerely,

Allison