Revisiting my earlier posts, I admit that I was still holding on to some kind of hope that my ex would come back to me. I was fantasizing about how he will fly back to Hong Kong and then, we will meet again at one of the most memorable spots we have gone to throughout our relationship. It would be by some kind of twist of fate or a one-of-a-kind miracle that God grants to those He loves. After all, I believe that miracles still do happen. I think this miracle is just not for me.
As days turned to months and months turned to a year, my hope dwindled. I prayed and prayed but nothing happened. My prayers evolved into reminding myself that he will never come back and that he has forgotten about me – an anaesthetic to that longing that does not go away. In the midst of my proactive waiting, someone told me that when someone leaves you, it’s usually because they think they can do better and that they will be happier with someone else than with you. Is it the truth? I don’t know but I wouldn’t deny its plausibility.
It was like someone splashed cold water on me when I heard those words. It made sense and these words were what I needed to hear to decide where I stand in all of this. Thus, I am able to fully let go and release any hope regarding that what-if. Hopefully, I can give all of my sincerity to the things I do daily and to my goals as there’s no lying that it took the wind out of my sails.
By ending this ‘should I or should I not’ game that I have played with myself for over a year, I hope to fully be alive instead of living half-assedly. Someone told me recently that I was their sunshine and it makes me think of those days when my happiness was unbounded in spite of the problems that I faced. I want to get to that point again. I want to become that person again – a person who’s mature yet beholds everything with a child-like wonder. I think it would be nice to regain a piece of my old self back.
This was an indubitable coming-of-age experience and I feel like I have become every aspect of the word, ‘Adult’. This was a major character development on my part and seeing it for what it is is a strange experience. To recall what my ex said, maybe I’m better for it.
Sincerely yours,
Allison.
Allison Lagarde 