Hello, November! 🦃

I am officially out of the slump!

Healing, depending on the person, takes a really long time and much like losing and keeping the weight off, it is not linear.

It took about more than a year but I have started enjoying life the way I did before my first relationship, maybe even a bit more. It is truly just now that I get to see the nuggets of wisdom that I earned over the last three months which I can slowly but surely, apply to my life.

Lastly, without these changes, I would have not been able to appreciate just how far I have come since August 2021.

Reflections on Some Areas of my Life

1. Self and Self-Improvement

My flatmate is moving out by the end of November or early December and for the first time since I moved out, I will have a relatively huge space to myself. I am absolutely excite and looking forward to it as this oddly timed event signals the end of a chapter and the start of a new one. I can definitely attest that it is almost like having an interlude or a filler chapter as this was a rather awkward and unsatisfying but maybe necessary year of my life.

I do not know the reason why the stars did not align and that I have to stay back for a few more months. Maybe I will never know why and this is some kind of plot device to move the story forward. All I know is that I will be using this time to recoup and regroup so that I can further figure out what my priorities are and whittle away the distractions.

After all, my 27th year is just around the corner and well, my Dad reminded me that I’m not getting any younger so, I need to get moving.

2. Career and Money

In one of my recent articles, I talked about how I had a brief stint moonlighting as a waitstaff in one of my favourite casual dining places in Hong Kong. It proved to be one of the most stressful things that I ever did recently as I was trying to give my 200% to both my full time job and my part time job. I almost burnt out doing that but it did provide insight and new lessons about health, career and money.

• I think health is definitely one of the pillars of wealth. We all have to make sacrifices every now and then but, when I sacrificed my health, my performance at work started to suffer and my quality of life went down considerably. It took me a long time to get where I can be a little bit more comfortable without overextending myself.

• Being debt-free is a blessing. Granted that I’m almost there, just finishing off the balance from my credit card but the idea of being debt-free and having enough savings sounds like heaven to me. I made a lot of bad decisions in my early 20s and it took me years to recover but this is the last leg of the race and I pray to God that I do not fall in the same line of thinking ever again. If there’s one thing I can advice in this article is that do not put yourself in the same situation that you asked God to help you get out off.

• Learn how to be smarter. I got scammed recently and both my parents agreed that I give my all at the start of a relationship / friendship. I kind of knew that this might be the case but I usually justified it as why shouldn’t I right? When I reflect back on all of my friendships and my relationships, I was the one who got hurt the most in the end. My mother pointed this out as well and now I understand why ‘trust is earned, not given’. As an extension of this, so is any friendship or any relationship.

There is so much to say about this but those are the three major takeaways that I had over the last three months.

3. Romance and Love Life

I know, for a fact, that I’m not ready to date. I tried going on a date and he was nice but my heart was not in it. It is not the guy’s fault but I am very much in the camp of finding someone, being friends, falling in love, getting married and then it will be until death do us part.

As cheesy as it sounds, my ex-boyfriend found me and it took a lot of discernment from my side because I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person. He became a great friend and then became my best friend. I still think that meeting him and us, confessing our love for each was one of the most magical moments in my life. My ex was an amazing person and he has set the bar high. Whoever he ends up with is definitely one lucky person.

As for me and as controversial as it is in today’s dating culture, I will be proactively waiting for someone to come along for now who decides to choose me and I, him. It is a crucial time for me to sow seeds as much as I can so that I and my loved ones can have a better future.

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I will say it again that August up until early October has been an awkward transition and were just months of constant change. Without it though, I would have not felt that I matured even just a little bit. I am starting to love my life and starting to feel alive again. It feels good as I get to appreciate more of the things that I used to enjoy and the people I would have missed creating connections with had I stayed being sad.

I’m happy to be back.

Have a lovely end of October and a beautiful start to November.

-A.

Burger Dates

It’s official. I’m going on a date after a year or so and I am excited and nervous and just a ball of emotion all at once.

The thing is I don’t really go on dates. I don’t seek it out and the last person I dated, I didn’t even know we were going on dates until we were in a relationship. This time around we both said we were going on a date and we are going to go get burgers for dinner and a walk afterwards.

I think I find myself giggling when I think that maybe I have a thing for burgers and guys who like burgers hence why it makes me smile.

Anyway, wish me luck!

Sincerely,

A.

Growing Pains

I think it is quite interesting how life keeps surprising you while you’re alive. I do not think that I will ever get used to losing friends and people while growing up and getting older. Growing pains take on a new form than just an ache in your bones. People focus on the physical pains but no one really prepares you for the pains as well as the joys of growing up, getting older, and just by the virtue of being alive.

Unexpected Surprise

With a month and a half left, I learned that my flatmate is leaving even when it was written in our flatmate agreement that there should be at least three months’ notice. She made it clear that she is not going to extend her stay at least another month to help me out so that’s why I have started scrambling to get into a routine that will help ease the decision fatigue over the course of next year. With the current state of my life, I cannot afford the time and the energy to go apartment hunting.

It came to me as a shock initially but I think it only solidifies my thinking that maybe this is for the best and it would also be better for me if we stop being friends because I do not think it would be wise to be friends with someone who leaves you high and dry.

On another note, someone came back into my life recently. We had a chat and he and I were reminiscing about the old days and catching up. We didn’t talk for a period of about two years or so because of life but after being left behind, I felt some regret about letting this friendship go by the wayside. I have my reservations because a year of barely talking and being apart does not make any difference in one’s growth but I never say no to reconciliation.

Life has thrown me plenty of curved balls to the head recently and some have given me concussions.

The answers are not always as straightforward as they seem to be.

New Plans, New Ventures

Due to the sudden turn of events, you got to adapt.

My plans of saving up for a Master’s or a move out of the country may take a little longer since I have to adjust to the new constraint. If ceteris paribus applied to real life, I would have achieved it by the end of next year but, it would take me an additional 6 to 12 months I might as well look to leave by 2025. Even then, I do not know what the next six months have in store for me.

All I know is that I would have to look for another income stream to make sure that I cover the additional portion of my rent that was previously split with my flatmate.

Well, it seems like I have to scrap the majority of my plan and start all over again.

Sincerely,

A.

Easing into a new routine: Sleep

Hello guys!

It has not even been a hot minute but, man, taking up a physical job is a more enormous task than I thought it would, especially on an ‘All You Can Eat’ Mussels Monday or of course, on a Friday evening. So before I start the 75-day hard challenge, I need to find and figure out what my schedule would be like on top of other commitments.

The good news is that by the end of the evening, all I want to do when I get home is to feed my pets, rinse, watch a couple of YT videos then, maybe journal and spend some time with the pets then go to bed. The entire ritual would take me about an hour to an hour and a half so I go to bed at 12:30 or 1 AM, max, depending on what time I get home which is better than when I was sleeping at 2 to 3 AM for no apparent reason other than I am not sleepy. A year to a year and a half of sleeping way past midnight ruined my circadian rhythm and well, I gotta scale it back a bit.

Before, from the time I hit the hay and go to sleepy time junction, I would wake up, unfortunately, close to 8, 8:30 which is cutting it close for my daytime job. I have been trying for a year to start waking up at 6 or 7 like how I used to but it is usually a hit or a miss and it is often a miss. Now, I’m aiming to wake up around 6 AM and eventually, easing back to a 5 AM or a 5:30 AM wake-up time like before so I can squeeze in a workout, spend some time with the pets, learn, sweep, wipe counters, journal and all that other stuff that I do but at an earlier time of the day.

Over the next few days, with the official start of my 75-day hard challenge being Monday, 10 October 2022, I will be waking up at 6:30 to finalise how a day would typically look like until the end of the year. Afterwards, when I finish my third month of working as a waitstaff, I’ll reevaluate to see if it would be worth to keep or if it would be better look for a freelance or, another part-time job that is less physical.

I will write about this and have a monthly check-in but definitely look forward to how I will be establishing a daily routine over the next 75 days and refining my rules and goals even more and no, I may or may not try Andy Frisella’s rules but definitely the 1 gallon of water rule. Haha!

It is going to be a rather interesting three months.

See you!

Sincerely,

Allison.

Have a Break, Have a Kitkat

Hey everyone!

I’m back after almost two weeks of not writing anything and taking a break from writing and updating this blog.

A lot has happened during that week and a half off and I am more refreshed than ever. Ready to kick ass and conquer the last quarter of the year.

A quick reflection.

It has been so long since I have ever felt like I am happy and/or content with my life. There was a huge thunderstorm cloud that hung over my head wherever I went for a good year or so.

It was absolutely horrible – nothing that I did ever made me feel joy. There was a huge void in my life and that even when I was trying to be happy, it felt forced and most of all, it felt like a chore.

Hanging out with my family? I am not sure if I should even be here.

Working my job? I only took this job because I thought it would be my ticket to bring me closer to him.

Talking to friends? I want someone to commiserate with.

Now that I was able to have a break and just see my surroundings, my struggles, my victories and my life for what it is and appreciate it, it is like a veil has been lifted off my eyes and I can see again. I can work towards my goals again.

I am like the prophet Elijah and you are too. Sometimes, you just need a break.

The Updates

Update #1: A Part-Time Job

I started working as a part-time waitstaff for one of my favourite restaurants here in Hong Kong. There are things that I am saving up for like a LASIK surgery and a Master’s degree so you know, the dough is not going to work itself. I don’t know for how long I will be keeping this up but I am aiming for six months to a year. It also depends on how long the business will keep me because they are definitely looking for someone who is there full-time.

Update #2: Working on my Certifications

I was given another chance to work on my certifications and I have been taking it seriously. There’s a lot of restructuring that needs to happen in my life if I want to accommodate both learning and my part-time job. I’ll get there.

I have sacrificed a lot of sleep for a guy who was not even worth my time which I learned a little too late. This time around I am sacrificing it for something better. Sometimes, you just got to do it.

Update #3: Changing the blog space

I’m working on changing my blog’s appearance and its contents. I’m thinking of giving it more structure as I want to showcase things that I have been collecting, that I have been trying and places that I am going to visit and revisit.

It is a public journal so a little structure would be good.

The Goals

I have been reading up on The 12 Week Year by Brian P. Moran which I stumbled upon when I was watching Gabe Bult’s channel and on to another Youtuber’s channel. Seriously, check out Gabe Bult’s channel.

Summary:

• Complete Caroline Girvan’s Epic I and lose 10 lbs (do a mini-cut) and complete C25K
• Complete all of my PRINCE 2 Certifications and PMP certification
• Complete a no-buy for the next 12 weeks (except for today, I really would like to have a pumpkin spice latte. Basic but it only comes once a year.)
  • Rules for my no-buy:
    • No eating out unless it’s a special occasion (birthdays, company parties)
      • Essentials are okay – replacement products, repairs etc.
      • No games, no books, no clothes, no accessories and no make-up stuff. Read through all the ones I have first. Also, Dishonored is such a great game!
• Hit my target goal for my company (70%).
• Read more.

It’s almost like another attempt at 75 hard challenge and this time around, without any emotional baggage weighing me down, it is on.

Some of the goals will not start until tomorrow like the no-buy challenge but unofficially, we are starting the following today:

• Caroline Girvan’s Epic I
• Read more
• Certifications and,
• 70% for my company.

It feels completely absurd to start on a Wednesday when it says Monday but here we are!

That’s it! See you Sunday for an update. 🙂

Cheers!

Embracing Happiness

Have you ever felt this cheesy happiness in spite of having no one?

It is definitely not an indicator that one will be meeting someone or dating someone new but, listening to love songs rouses that romantic in me. Even if the world has cast a somewhat cynical light on love and perhaps, one can even axiomatize scientific studies, I believe love exists. You can blame my Jesuit education but, I strongly believe love exists and it is wonderful, forgiving and without a doubt, difficult.

Love is a choice and it will always be a choice hence, why it is difficult. I choose to love my life even with its difficulties. I hated it for a short time because things did not go my way but, it happens. Before you know it, the thing that blew up in your face is over and you know what is nice? The fact that I am persevering and that I am still here to sing out loud to love songs, to give cuddles to my rabbits, to work on a goal, to dream that someday I will find someone who loves me as much as I love them, gives me a boost of endorphins.

It is a nice feeling. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in a long time.

I will still move to Europe. I will still get my master’s degree. I will still work on my plans and goals but right now, I will just belt out Michael Learns to Rock songs and prepare for tomorrow.

P.S. It goes without saying that I do hope when I do start dating again, I would be a lot wiser. A two-year break is a long time to know one’s self. Hopefully, I can refine my 2018 standards list even further as I believe it is of utmost importance to keep a list non-negotiables to avoid headaches and heartbreaks when wading through the dating pool.

It makes me excited because I have another thing to look forward to.

Sincerely,

Allison.

The Genius of Brennan Lee Mulligan

Have I talked to you about Brennan Lee Mulligan?

This is just going to be a short essay about how Brennan makes me want to go back to one of my earlier hobbies, Philosophy and Mythology. It may seem surprising, but I think I have considerable knowledge regarding those subjects from the times that are just gathering cobwebs in a somewhat secluded section of my brain. My obsession with words, etymologies, ideologies, and conspiracies which I try to put onto paper that was sadly and prematurely shot down by a professor from university.

It turns out that, maybe, I was onto something. My brain was, IS working. It just was not the right fit for that class.

Aside from my good friend in university who religiously applies utilitarianism to his life, there is no one else to talk to and ponder about the intangible malaises of life or where do you want to die or how do you want to die? Topics that make people have a hard look at themselves. I especially do not want to talk about this type when one is under the influence of a substance that is why I appreciate Brennan or people like him who do not have to rely on such things to engage in, well, “deep talk”.

Moreover, most of the people who I came across in the last three to five years of my life were, or at least now that I think about it, shallow? Or maybe even during the time we spent together, we were not comfortable enough to divulge what we really think, what are worldviews were or what the values that we hold on to deeply and fall back on when times get tough. Or maybe I do not know them as well as I thought? Or maybe they are just shallow. Or I am just shallow as them – I may have had reservations about being vulnerable because, in hindsight, I was right. I was right all along. (Cue: Still Woozy – All Along)

Anyway, I first heard of Brennan when YouTube shorts recommended a clip from Game Changer. I don’t know which clip I first watched but I remember while I was just having my daily dose of YouTube clips, I came across this rather impassioned speech.

I think he shines the most when I watched with full attention and focus Exandria Unlimited: Calamity. Here’s a clip of his genius characterisation of Asmodeus. I have never been so invested in a campaign as much as I was invested in the first The Adventure Zone campaign. They are two different styles, not necessarily genre, but if you remember the scene with the gang fighting The Hunger and Johann and the Voidfish. It is similar to that but entirely different. That scene was a DM granting inspiration to the players, uplifting, feel-good vibes. This scene with Asmodeus was bone-chilling, a thriller that keeps you at the edge of your seat.

At this point in time, I have watched ExU: Calamity start to end twice now and I have watched Episode 4, thrice. Here is his scene with Zerxus played by Luis Carazo.

If I’m not mistaken and I think I wrote it down way back in 2018 when I was trying to get over someone, this cheekiness is something that I look for in a guy. I don’t know if you would call it that way but you know, this mischievousness, of course, at the place and at the right time is appealing because I, myself, am one. He’s also great with words, an amazing storyteller and impossibly witty. If you can break into a monologue with all the flair in the world without even trying, you have Shakespeared your way into my heart. I have only ever swooned in my entire life but man, I would be lying if I deny the fact that this guy came close.

As I said before, I would only ever have a crush on the guy I’m committed to, that is, if I were committed to someone but since I am not, I’m relishing the fact that I can have a crush on someone I will never ever meet in this lifetime.

This guy is cheeky and I love a cheeky bastard.

Sincerely,

Allison

When it is a terrible time to fall in love

The title says it all.

Falling for someone when you do not have the time or the resources to do so is a conundrum that I am quite familiar with as I have faced this before.

The idea of entertaining or pursuing a romantic interest or to just let it pass by.

There are a few questions running inside my head right now that direct me to what I need to do and what I know and understand that I need to do like:

• You’re preparing to undergo entrance exams and applications. Will you have the time?
• You’re saving up for said master and possible immigration. Will you be able to spend some funds?
• Have you even met this person in person?
• From the get-go, do you think you have the same values?
• Do you actually like this person or are you just craving companionship?
• Can you say that you don’t have any more emotional baggage if you were to pursue this?
• Should I? Should I not?

This set of questions is similar to the a set of questions I asked myself previously to which I have overridden the majority of the answers by saying, ‘Fuck it. Whatever happens, happens.’

I can only imagine the immense stress on my brain as it pushes against a proverbial front door as my heart bangs incessantly against it frantic and screaming, “Come on! Take a risk. You don’t know what’s going to happen! Maybe it will work this time. It has been so long since you have had any sort of romance, just please indulge me once in a while. It has been a hard year and it’s not even over. Please, please. PLEASE!“

Now that I am writing it down, I see how insane my heart is. To quote Albert Einstein and his Parable of Quantum Insanity,

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

Albert Einstein

Like a parent to a child, it kind of hurts to deny me of something that most people require but I know it is for my own good. Deep down inside, I know that the answer is not yet. The good thing is though, I get to do a do-over of what I should have done the first time around and maybe, I’ll be able to gauge how long this infatuation will last and use this to save myself from less than ideal situations.

It is a strange way of exercising self-control and self-discipline but it is only strange because this thinking or value is not what is usually propagated in the media and the apparent instant gratification culture that we have. YOLO, anyone? It is not to say that I have not fallen for it because I have, clearly, but what I’m trying to get across is that there should be calculated risk in taking up an opportunity and therefore, it is alright to say no and I do not want to get burned twice.

This is in no way self-flagellation but rather, self-care. Thinking and taking action for the long term is a form of self-care.

One last note that I would like to make is that this guy is into D&D and I refuse to have my heart broken again by another D&D player as much as I would like to be able to play D&D with my partner.

Truly, my disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined.

sigh.

Sincerely,

Allison

26 November 2019, An Excerpt

The song was on repeat when we were first getting to know each other.

Reflection on the current situation:

Have you ever wondered what love is like? What love is? I have.

For years, I have always wondered what love, romantic love, would be like. Even now, I still wonder what it is – what it feels like and how it is going to present itself when it comes knocking at my door. I think that at 23, it is a bit late to start your first relationship because you miss out on all the childish and innocent moments that youth get to relish and experience without the strains that accompany adulthood. Yet, at the same time, it is almost the perfect age to have your first because you are somewhat young enough to still have some of those experiences while viewing the relationship through realistic lenses. I believe that, at 23, one would be mature enough to know yourself and handle your own life whilst being in a relationship.

I would know this to be true due to having a few previous unrequited love. As I like to give it my all in every opportunity I chance upon and take, you throw your whole being into it in the hopes of being loved back. I thought that it was love from a different perspective and that was also love teaching me what it is not.

Now love has different plans.

Now, he has stormy grey eyes. Beautiful grey eyes that reminds me of quiet and soothing rainy days where everything seems to be washed anew. I told him before that I am from the islands and I love the sun but now when I look into his eyes, I am starting to love the rain, the thunder and the lightning just a tad bit more.

Now he has hair that aptly becomes like a halo in the sun. He hates his hair because he thinks it is sandy in colour but I love it. The way it gives him a soft glow and how it contrasts his grey eyes. It is really lovely, just like him.

Now he has a gentle voice that matches how kind he is. He has managed to evoke emotions in me just by hearing him say my name. I get elated like I have never been before and my heartstrings are tugged and thus, my heart cannot help but sing a tune in glee. Don’t get me started on his smile because when I think of him smiling, I try my hardest to stop myself from swooning.

This guy has his imperfections but who doesn’t? He is just perfect the way he is and I love him more and more each day. I am, without a doubt, grateful that I get to love him and I am so happy that I get to spend my life with such an amazing person.

Regardless, I still sometimes wonder why love came when it did but one thing I know is for sure, I have never been so content in my life up until now.

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I was 23 and I was smitten like a moth to a flame.

If I had enough self-awareness to know that I would combust eventually then maybe, I would have been able to avoid the catastrophe that followed. I mean I think I did because at the beginning I told him that he would be either my greatest love or my greatest disappointment and hurt.

Unfortunately, we all know how it went down. I just think that this excerpt from November 2019 reminds me of Bruno Major’s Regent Park which I will leave here as a closing to this rather sentimental page from my journal.

I think that this song summed this relationship perfectly.

Sincerely yours,

Allison.

Chocolate Yoghurt

There’s no such thing as chocolate yoghurt.

‘I miss chocolate yoghurt,’ she said as she looked at me with a smile. ‘You have yoghurt with fruits and yoghurt with no flavours but here in Hong Kong, you don’t have any chocolate yoghurt. This is why I miss France. If I wanted to have a dessert at home and I wanted chocolate, I would have to eat a cake because you don’t have chocolate yoghurt and chocolate is life.,’ she continued as I cocked my head to the side, smiling at her incredulously.

‘No,’ she quipped before I could say anything, ‘It’s not the same as chocolate mousse or yoghurt drizzled with chocolate. It’s not.’

‘Yeah, that’s why I was thinking too,’ I said as I slowly nodded to a more plausible thought, ‘There’s no such thing as chocolate yoghurt.’

My mind cannot comprehend its existence. I remember eating chocolate pudding cups, the one you buy from das Supermarkt, after a grocery run with the family but not once did I remember any chocolate yoghurt. My love for yoghurt is something similar to my friend’s love for chocolate. I love yoghurt, especially frozen yoghurt. Admittedly, I don’t love chocolate as much as I love yoghurt or ice cream for that matter.

I also love pudding and chocolate mousse and pudding cups. I love dairy or desserts like creme brulee with its hardened sugar shell or a flan or a dessert that’s pillowy and sweet and cold. I know no one who likes eating cake with ice cream or ice cream sandwiched between brioche bread or milk bread or mantou as much as I do.

I think people should try mantou with ice cream inside. It’s forbiddenly delectable and should be considered an occasional treat. Without going any further off track, I could make chocolate yoghurt but will I eat it? It’s so strange of a notion that I’m flabbergasted.

If you know a good brand of chocolate yoghurt that I can have shipped to Hong Kong, let me know and I’ll try it.

Sincerely,

Allison.