Maybe I’m getting better.
It has been so long since I slept so well and woke up well-rested.
The last time I woke up thanking God that I’m still alive was before my ex brought up the fact that maybe he wanted to break up and that was back in February 2021. From then on, the looming figure of uncertainty and its sharp talons stood by my bedside every evening. I thought I could escape it by moving flats but having a flatmate and living in North Point only exacerbated the situation.
I cannot find another word for my living situation but my year in North Point was chiefly miserable. I do not want to get into it but I hated every moment in that flat. I think it is because I am not meant to live with someone after living on my own after I moved out of my parents’ place. I have decided that I will not live with a flatmate if I can help it and/or if my flatmate is going to be my future husband.
Now that I’m back to living alone, I come home to a clean kitchen and a swept floor. When I was living with a flatmate, pots, pans, and dishes were left unwashed until a couple of days later. When I went in to feed the person’s pet, there were roaches on the person’s bed and just bags of food strewn about. Let’s just say it was disgusting. I’m no clean freak but coming back to my new flat with clean spaces makes me really happy.
Somebody told me that I’m their favourite part of the campaign. He and I both play D&D and if you can recall, I vowed to never date anyone who plays D&D ever again. I know, I know – never say never right? However, that was the sweetest thing I have ever heard in the last year or year and a half. The last time was when I received love letters and the poem he wrote which I still read from time to time. If I can sum it up succinctly, it’s uncomplicated to get to my heart especially since I also don’t ask for much.
Anyway, I know that we will never see each other in person since he has his whole life on the other side of the globe but our conversations make my week. I am wholeheartedly with Cala Maria on priorities (I’ve shared the link below 😉) hence, my no-dating rule and I really do think it’s a bad time to fall in love BUT, but, I wouldn’t mind keeping these conversations up because it makes me feel less alone. I would be lying if I say I don’t look forward to chatting and someone to share my day with. It’s really sweet.
Lastly, I was in for a shocker yesterday because a friend of mine tried appending his last name to mine. It came up after discussing J. Lo’s marriage to Ben Affleck. There was a lot of buildup that lead to it but I was definitely shocked that I had to change the topic.
Maybe I’ll get to the point where I will be completely over my ex and then maybe, I’ll start becoming more open to being in a relationship again. I mean it is true, there is a lot of fish in the sea. Maybe I’ll get unstuck from that mindset of just wanting my ex even now. I know that I will get unstuck slowly but surely. This pit reminds me of quicksand – the more I struggle, the harder it is for me to get out. I realise now that taking it slow is the way to go.
Knowing that someone else out there is willing to choose me, build a life together, and traverse it together comforts me a lot that my grip or want for my ex is waning more and more each day. It also makes me want to go back to better myself for me, for the people around me, and for my future friends and family. As cheesy as it sounds, I want my future husband to be proud of me as his wife. It’s going to take a lot of hard work and dedication but I do think that I’m happier and better for it.