He Who Goes Before Me

Have you ever wondered why and what were you created for? Or, have you asked yourself why are you going through what you are going through?

The answer to the first question is usually vague and unanswerable as the answer unfolds itself either at the end of your life when you are on your deathbed, reflecting on your life or, before that very moment that will determine the course of the rest of your life. As for most cases, there is no definite answer that is known to the individual but someone else trustworthy and noble can attest to what you were made for. Like a hinge to a door, your life was a catalyst to something greater and you just did not know it.

The answer to the second can be multifaceted; it can be because of the right decisions made at the right time, poor choices, circumstances, happenstance, mistakes by others, almost anything really. The same way your life is a catalyst for others, their actions will also affect yours.

I would like to think that questions like these have crossed a person’s mind at least once in their life. I believe that questions like these when logically, factually and maybe, even morally, grounded serve as an excellent compass for one’s life. Alas, we are humans and we cannot be fully rational and logical beings all the time. I also believe that Aristotle will cry at the state of the world where humans act more like animals than they are rational animals. As much as Descartes rejected that notion, I think he would also cry too as we don’t think anymore at least, critically.

As you know, the last two to three years were rife with much confusion, disappointment and desperation. There were indeed happy moments but the sadness that followed outweighed and eroded whatever happiness experienced from those events. Bittersweet would be the perfect way to describe it. When these transpired, I fell into a deep depression where I barely had any care for anything at all. This challenging moment made me so weak as it hit me where it hurts the most and it pushed me to think, ‘What’s the point? Why should I care? Why should I try to be better when nothing ever works out anyway?’

In the depths of my self-pity, I read the Way of the Kings and I had a rather angry and frustrated conversation with my superiors. The former helped me pull me out of the darkness and the latter was a painful slap to pull me back into reality that I have obligations to fulfill and people and animals who depend on me. My responsibilities do not cease and the world does not stop from turning even when I am depressed. The months were I was half-assing living caused more trouble than it was worth. I am kicking myself because I let this happen but what matters now is how I gain back trust and get back on track.

Slowly bouncing back from the tragedies of the recent past, I have more than enough resolve to face the problems and the issues that arose when I was in that depressed headspace. As much as I would like to absolve and acquit myself, real life just does not work that way and I have to face the music one way or another. This also means that pruning my relationships, activities and habits that are no longer working. Decluttering, recycling and selling things that no longer hold any value or letting go of items that once brought me so much joy.

An act of discipline which I think of fondly as an act of self-care.

You know, sometimes, when I think about the whole thing, I am glad it happened. Maybe I am not meant to go to the UK or to Germany just yet. Maybe I still have a few things I need to do here in Asia like visit places. Sometimes when I think about why we broke up, maybe the reason why is so that I can focus on the things I needed to do. To close it off, I am pretty sure that there is something working behind the scenes in all of this quagmire but I have been given the space to work on myself, to work on personal projects without any distractions and to catch up and rectify the consequences of my poor choices without anyone waiting on me.

I may not understand but being given the space to work on things at my own pace is a blessing in of itself. God knows what is going to happen and He has gone before me and this takes off so much pressure to move and to force myself against an invisible wall.

For that, I am forever grateful.

Sincerely yours,

Allison.

Published by

A. Lagarde

Just another weird person in the internet.

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