Gloomy days remind me of the day we broke up and coincidentally, I heard this song a month before that (wretched) date. More importantly, how is this song so deceptively sweet? If you do not listen to the lyrics carefully, you would think it is a love song.
I love this song because it encapsulates the totality of that rather short-lived relationship, especially these three points. If there was a song about how I fell in love and how we broke up, it would be this song. Ironic, isn’t it?
1. No one wants to hear a song
About the bitch that broke my heart (The same way I should stop writing about it.)
2. I should have listened to my mama
She saw through you from the start (I attribute this line to my dad, he told me that I have more to lose if I were to pursue this relationship wholeheartedly.)
3. I lost more than money, dear
You knocked the swagger out of me (Right on.)
Since I have nothing left to say
That will make you change your mind
I’ll say goodbye on a beautiful spring day
It was a place not too dissimilar to this one
Where I first saw your face
You look like home, sat all alone
I should have found somebody cheaper to chase
Tragically, nobody told me
How expensive you would be
I lost more than money, dear
You knocked the swagger out of me
‘What am I doing with my life?’
That’s a question that I frequently find myself asking before I go to bed every single night and sometimes, during the day. If it were a Sims game, my dissatisfaction levels have broken through the gauge, leaking out of me like gas out of a car.
Sometimes, I think maybe I’m overthinking my life but I digress. Viktor Frankl once said, “A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the ‘why’ for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any how.” I read Viktor Frankl’s book when I was in my third year of university. As an 18-year-old at that time, I vividly remember telling myself that I hope that I do not come to a point where I’m so hopeless that I lose my will to live.
Unfortunately, I have.
It was a mistake to let my someone handle my heart because as I write this, the deep-seated disappointment is just there. I have never been so disappointed in my life that the wind in my sails was taken out.
Six months is not enough and I watched from a YouTube video that three years should be the length of time to see if something will stick or if something will bear fruit. Maybe I’ll find my why again and the answer to the question of why should I keep on living. I don’t know how people survived through this and maybe my cynicism is getting the better of me.
Three years, I hope to come back to this and prove to my desperate 26-year-old who fights to live one day at a time that it’s going to get better. I hope that in three years’ time, I am able to rediscover my why again.
In the meantime, I’ll be reading ‘The Way of Kings’ by Brandon Sanderson.