Taking Care

Played during times when I feel a little motivated.
Played when I’m trying to shake off the sadness brought about by the breakup.

Definition

1: to be careful or watchful : to exercise caution or prudence

2: to give particular attention to doing or not doing something

Merriam Websters

Do you ever get a little bit tired of life

Like you’re not really happy but you don’t wanna die

Like a numb little bug that’s gotta survive

That’s gotta survive

Numb Little Bug, Em Beihold

I do not do drugs because I have had bad experiences with people who do – the brink of death situations that I do not really want to remember or being on the receiving end of an assault. I really do think one of the causes of the breakup is because my ex does and I am the only one stopping him.

I think it is justified that I am afraid of people who do because just thinking about being in the vicinity of someone doing it makes my knees weak and well, my anxiety starts to rise up until I am completely submerged in a vat of dread.

So what and how do I do to cope?

Before we delve any deeper, let me tell you something about myself.

I have an obsession with being a good person – for myself and for others. At an early age, I have this deep-seated need to live outside or beyond myself. I had a realisation that life does not end with myself and that living for myself feels so small-minded. You can blame my overactive imagination, the ‘I Wonder Why’ book series, the Children’s Bible, and my parents for that.

Although, I do think that if you take away those mediums,, I would still have that need because I look up to my dad and my dad is a generous person and being generous requires love and living outside yourself.

So what’s the point of this tidbit?

Over the course of the years, I found out that I have a few bad habits that tend to get the better of me when I am put in a high-stress situation. All of my self-control goes out of the window as a spiral down uncontrollably.

First, my sleep gets affected then because insomnia hits hard. Second, because I’m so tired and my body is running on pure adrenaline, I tend to either skip meals or binge. I hyperfocus and then I binge. In a nutshell, I don’t eat well at all. Third, no exercise at all because I’m trying to focus on what I can control which is to work. Fourth, if it gets really bad, I fail at keeping my environment clean and sometimes, I fail at hygiene.

While all pillars of being a physically and mentally healthy human being crumble, I crank up the productivity metre. Yeah, I know. Sometimes, to the point of burnout. I have more or less mastered Self-inflicted burnouts and breakdowns because I know how to get out of them. It is somewhat exerting control on what you can control. Other-inflicted burnouts and breakdowns (like a death of a loved one, losing a job, or breakups) can take longer to rein in because it takes longer to process that to some degree you have some kind of control over the situation (you).

I do need to emphasise that this is all relative and I have more or less successfully finessed my method of staying on the level just before a burnout. The stage we all know and love which I call the ‘Why am I doing this to myself?’ stage. To illustrate, here is a list of my typical work day and a weekend.

Monday

  • 7:30 AM – wake up, journal, feed the rabbits and change the litter box. Prepare for work.
  • 9:00 AM – leave for work
  • 9:30 AM to 5:30 PM or sometimes 6:30 PM – work nonstop and eat at your desk, no lunch breaks.
  • 6:30 to 7:00 – commute to training
  • 7:15 to 8:15 – train
  • 8:30 to 9:30 – commute
  • 9:30 PM – freshen up, feed the rabbits, sweep
  • 9:30 to 10:30 PM – dinner if I can cook
  • 10:30 to 11:00 PM – study if I’m not tired or
  • 11:00 PM onwards, try to get some sleep
  • 1:00 to 2:00 AM fall asleep

Saturday

  • 7:30 AM to 10:30 AM – chores
  • 11:00 AM – commute to PT for my back
  • 12:00PM to 1:00 PM – PT
  • 1:00 PM to 6:00 PM – get some lunch, read D&D for 3 to 4 hours
  • 7:00 PM to 11:00PM – dinner, hang out with the family or youth group, feed the rabbits, freshen up, badminton (I’m pretty decent ’cause it’s my HS sport alongside softball) in no particular order.
  • 11:00 PM onwards, try to get some sleep
  • 1:00 to 2:00 AM fall asleep

I am not listing it out to lord over someone. I am listing it out because sometimes, I wonder why I am doing this to myself and I remember that I cannot really afford to be sad all the time. Primarily, it causes me to binge and two, it is expensive to be sad. Three, I believe that like an artist I can use this sad energy to maybe accidentally create my magnum opus and die without any regrets. Lastly, I’m afraid that if I get too sad, I will lose all my brain wrinkles and become a dumbass which is no different than who I really am deep inside. Ever since I have been depressed, my memory is just not the same way as it was before and I am worried about getting dementia if this continues.

Here’s the thing, I am already at the intersection of my bad habits and my productivity metre cranked up so what I need to do is to get better at taking care of myself. Not just physically but also mentally because I am at the point where when I think about my ex and my ex-friend and they trip or whatever, I will simply not care, think, ‘okay, get well I guess’ and move past them without offering a hand.

It’s a horrible thought, to be honest, and it just drives the point that I am not a saint and I can only do my best to be a good person. I do not know about you but it is a struggle to be a good person when it is not on your own terms. Do you get what I mean? As a fellow human being, I should love and forgive others but hot damn, I just want to give them a slap each, forget about them and then move on with my life and paint fresh paint over those two years of my life. Two years of wasted time and regrets.

Anyway, I’m trying to get out of this physical rut to take care of myself and to take care not to let bad thoughts fester because it affects all parts of my well-being and it keeps my brain captive. While I know that I should just take the plunge and take whatever step, I also hesitate because there is a need to know the order of things and I do not. Do I work on my thoughts first and my physical health second or vice versa? Should I do it simultaneously? How do I keep my focus on two things at once? Do I cut down on things I do?

If you have any suggestions, let me know because I do not know where to start.

Sincerely,

Allison

Published by

A. Lagarde

Just another weird person in the internet.

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