Dear Jacob S.

With a troubled mind, I am in decline and the sun won’t shine on me.

To my dear Jacob,

I remember a very powerful line my therapist told me to put things in perspective. He told me, ‘They had to do what was best for them at that time.’ You were wrong when you told me I was mature and you were surprised that I am taking the breakup so well. It was because I resolved to let you go if you asked for it because you said it was affecting your mental health. I was hurt when I asked for a proper explanation then you told me that you did not want to talk about it. Furthermore, I am more hurt now that just like that you are in a new relationship. When I called my mother to tell her this, she cried for me.

I cannot help but think that you did not love me then and I was just someone you messed around with while you were in Hong Kong during your gap year. Maybe I was too hopeful to see it as more than just a fling because you were my first relationship.

Moreover, the sudden transition from tender love to biting indifference made me suffer whiplash. I hope you know and appreciate how hard I tried despite the growing distance.

Every so often, I blamed myself, my roots (being an Asian), my capabilities to move, and where I was in life because I thought if it weren’t for those factors, I would be where you are.

We had love that I thought was forever

But it traveled 180 degrees

With a troubled mind, I am in decline

And the sun won’t shine on me

In the end, all the hard work I have put in and the things I was prepared to leave behind did not matter. Everything still went down the drain.

I do not know what valuable lesson is there to learn from this. Obviously, not everyone goes through this and there are bigger problems to be concerned about but, the grief is paralysing, and the bitterness is all-consuming. I take one step forward and I am pushed back five and this just puts me in a cycle of frustration and regret. I want to be better but I cannot help but be bitter about everything around and about me.

I understand why Naomi said what she said, “Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. (New International Version)

I called it when I said what I said early in our relationship and I’ll say it again, ‘You are my greatest love and greatest heartbreak.’

Be that as it may, I hope you do not suffer the same thing that you put me through. Congratulations on graduating and I wish you all the best.

Sincerely,

Allison.

Published by

A. Lagarde

Just another weird person in the internet.

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