Grief and Crippling Grief

It’s just like this wave washing over me again and again. It knocks me down and when I try to stand up, it just comes for me again. And I can’t… It’s gonna drown me.

Wanda Maximoff

1:42 AM, 19 May 2022

I really thought getting a bed would solve my sleeping problems but that was not the case. My sleepless nights are caused by my grief. I am deathly afraid of going to sleep because it means a new day of trying to heal and trying my darnest to show up for myself.

Most days, I cannot but I try and on most days, it is just too painful. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to either be dead or healed or not to have this weight on my heart. This grief.

I understood what Wanda meant the moment she said this in the episode.

When Vision said his famous line, ” But what is grief if not love persevering?”

The first thought that came to mind was “I do not want it anymore. Take it. “

If it means that I get to have some sleep back, some joy back into my life then I don’t want to love you anymore.

This sucks. Almost a year and I’m still grieving.

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