What are the chances of seeing someone again, your ex, after you have parted ways? I don’t know and I don’t want to know but it almost gave me a fright when a man of similar height and build, with wavy almost-curly sandy blond hair peeking out through a black Adidas cap clothed with a non-descript baggy white shirt and black denim shorts that fall just above the knee, passed me by on an escalator going up to Wanchai Computer while I was on my way down.
It was one of the most bizarre encounters yet because I have been seeing people who have a likeness to him but not to that point of resemblance. All I could think about was “Why are here? I’m already going to therapy for PTSD and PTSD-induced anxiety because you left so please don’t come back just to haunt me. Go away, thanks.”
It sounds funny but it’s a horrifying experience – to live in fear of constantly being vigilant so that at the sight of him, I can run away. Laugh all you want at my flight response but I don’t ever want to undergo and relive the experience of the betrayal of him choosing friends and his vices over me. Six, Seven months of just pure hopelessness and endless rumination, what-ifs, what did I do wrong? Am I not good enough? Did I not give enough? Did I not love enough? If it’s because of my financial situation, I’m in a better place now. I told you I’d get out of it, I just needed a little time.
So why?
Like I said before, I’ll probably never know the answer that’s why it’s best to not think about especially since it’s a major trigger and the mere thought of it sends me crying for a solid half-hour and sad for several days.
So please, don’t haunt me. Don’t come back and don’t think of me either. Maybe many, many years into the future but not now;.
Sincerely,
A.
Allison Lagarde 